Brody Spills The Beans & Covers His Bits

The Thai-dashian Thai-venture continues! Before we jump in the crystal clear water that is Sunday night's Keeping Up With the Kardashians, let us get something out of the way: Brody Jenner does not fight a random at any point during the ep. Sigh. BUT IT WILL HAPPEN NEXT WEEK. Yesssssssss.

I must say, as excited as I am for the Brody brawl, the latest ep really doesn't need the Brody brawl. It's an amazing hour of television without the Brody brawl. It might even be one of my favorite KUWTK eps of all time: Kendall and Kylie Jenner go MIA and send the family on a wild goose chase, Kim and Khloe Kardashian argue about selfies, Kris and Bruce Jenner have a heart to heart about their post-separation friendship, and the family discusses Rob Kardashian (guys, every Rob-centric part of the ep is really upsetting. Don't mind me as I take lots of deep breaths, feel lots of feelings, et cetera). Parts of the ep are funny. Parts are sad. Parts are ridiculous. Parts are too real. Parts are weird.

The episode is perfect.

Oh, what’s that? I omitted something major from the rundown? I omitted the greatest part of the episode? Might it be Brody Jenner’s half chub and the surrounding brouhaha?

Forgive me, for I am still processing all of it.

A quick recap of the half chub events that transpired during the previous episode: Brody accidentally walked in on Kim when she was in the middle of a revealing selfie sesh. A frazzled Brody told Brandon and Leah Jenner what happened. They teased Brody about liking what he saw. Brody joked he had "maybe a half chub." My body slid out of the chair I was sitting in, and my body remained on the floor for 17 hours.

This week, the family chatted about the half chub incident. Brandon told Kim about the half chub incident. Kim laughed about the half chub incident. Everyone but Brody decided they'd tease Brody about the half chub incident. All of it was beautiful.

Choice Quotes From The Kardashian-Jenners re: Brody's Half Chub + My Responses

BRODY: “You know when I said I had a half chub, it was a joke.”KRISTIE: The only part of that sentence I care about is "half chub."

KENDALL: “I think it’s hilarious that Brody walked in on Kim and got a half chub. I like to know these things about my family.”KRISTIE: I also like to know these things about your family, Kendall.

BRODY: “I didn’t realize that I would open this one door and see Kim taking photos of herself in some white, full like, wet, like— it was a see-through white. It was a little EGHHHH.”KRIS: “She’s doing a selfie book right now."KRISTIE: You don't get it, Brody. Selfie book. SELFIE BOOK.

KRIS: “You don’t get a half chub if you don’t get a boner. I feel like Brody is crushing on Kim. Look at how red he is!"BRODY: "Oh, come on. OH, COME ON."KRIS: "I think you’ve had a crush since you were seven years old.”BRODY: "That was [Brandon] and Kim. You’re forgetting that."BRANDON: "That's not true."KRIS: "I don't think so."BRODY: "They kissed back in the day, do you not remember that?"KRIS: "WHAT?!"BRANDON: [Silence]KRISTIE: HNNNNNNNNNNNNNGH. HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGH. HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGH.

I've yet to stop speaking through gritted teeth.

Later, Brody, Leah, and Brandon decide to exact half chub revenge on Kim. Their plan: Brody will lay in Kim’s bed while wearing nothing but leaves over his junk, and then Brandon will lure Kim into the room. Brody, Leah, and Brandon execute their plan flawlessly.

Choice Quotes From The Kardashian-Jenners re: Brody's Leaf Costume + My Responses

KIM: “This is so gross. I do not want to see you.”KRISTIE: What's the opposite of a half chub?

LEAH: “Your legs are so white, Brody.”KRISTIE: Wait, don't they surf all of the time? Aren't they super outdoorsy? Way to use that SPF, Brody! Proud of you.

This is hands down the best show on television. I challenge anyone who says otherwise to a duel.

(Just kidding, I'm not Brody the brawler. Not about to fight anyone. I'd much rather agree to disagree.)(OH MY GOSH I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE BRODY BRAWL.)

Image: E!