Shark Week Shows Ranked By Their Badass Names

Shark Week is a pretty scary week, not just because you get back in touch with all of your latent fears of salt water, but because there are SO MANY DISCOVERY CHANNEL SHARK SHOWS TO CHOOSE FROM. And not only that, but the shows all sound so damn good. With all sharks, all the time for an entire week, you kinda run into a major challenge, so you've got to narrow all of those shows down. Considering that The Discovery Channel's Vice President of Development, Michael Sorensen, told Entertainment Weekly that the network often picks the shows' names first and then goes from there, perhaps judging a show by its title is the way to go. He even gave this bit of a spoiler for Shark Week '15:

This might be a bit of a spoiler for next year, but Donna [Alessandro, VP of programming] came in, and she’s like, "I know one: The Bride of Jaws." I was like, "What is that show?" She’s like, "I don’t know. That’s for you to figure out." So it took us like three or four months thinking, "Is The Bride of Jaws a love story? Is it about how great whites are mating? Is it the journey to bring two sharks together?" And then finally, we met with this incredible science team in Australia who’s been working with this shark called Joan of Shark, which was a pretty big news story a couple months ago. She’s the biggest female great white they’ve ever seen. We’re like, "That could be it! That could be the focus here [..]" Now it’s a show with a fantastic title, and I think it’s gonna have some incredible science.

So let's rank some of these show titles — without the knowledge of the show, how nuts do these titles sound? And if the options were endless (you know, beyond the educational, non-fiction realm), what could these shows viably be about? Without further ado, I give you The Shark Week Top 10 Show Titles along with my theory on what each program will be about.

10. Jaws Strikes Back

Jaws + The Empire Strikes Back = ultimate retro flashback (even if though show has nothing to do with Jaws ).

9. Sharksanity

Insanity workouts... for sharks! (See, that shark above is tired from working out.)

8. Sharkpocalypse

It's the end of the world as sharks know it. (Although I'd love an Apocalypse Now send up starring sharks. "I love the smell of fresh human in the morning!")

7. Sharkageddon

You might think Sharkpocalypse and Sharkageddon sound the same, but no — Sharkageddeon sounds to me like it has Aerosmith's "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing" playing in the background the whole time.

6. Monster Hammerhead

Like, monsters + sharks. You know it.

5. Shark After Dark Live!

I know this is just a show about shark talk, but somehow, this title sounds so raunchy to me. It sounds like shark porn.

4. Voodoo Sharks

THE CRAFT... but with sharks?!

3. Air Jaws Apocalypse

As far as the title is concerned, it's right. It might be the apocalypse if sharks are flying. (On the opposite end of the spectrum, what if it was like Air Bud, but with sharks?)

2. Zombie Sharks

ZOMBIES. ALWAYS ZOMBIES.

1. Alien Sharks: Return To The Abyss

The only thing cooler than zombie sharks are sharks from space. And you know the old adage: "Sharks are from Mars, dolphins are from venus." Badumchhh.

You can tune into Shark Week on The Discovery Channel for your annual shark-watching binge. Come for the titles, stay for the sharks.