Imaginations Are Running Wild At This News

by Kristie Rohwedder

I’m with Bustle’s own Lia Beck: I cannot wrap my mind around the report that Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin are dating. Katniss Everdeen and the lead singer of Coldplay? REALLY? That would be a most unexpected couple, indeed. According to E! News, multiple sources say Lawrence and Martin have been kicking it together since June. Who saw this one coming? Answer: NOT ME.

Certainly, stranger things have happened, but at this very moment, I can't come up with any examples. Because at this very moment, I have Martin/Lawrence (shout-out to Twitter user @mynameisLo. Way to nail that one) tunnel vision. It's all I want to think about.

Being that it is a Friday, I’m feeling a little loosey-goosey. And a little wild. And a little conspiratorial.

It’s theeeeeeory tiiiiiiiime!

From here on out, everything is merely conjecture. I made all of it up. If you want only facts and truth, you may want to look away now.

If Lawrence and Martin are actually an item, what if it was MARTIN who leaked the story in order to do a favor for buddy Jay Z? Go ahead and let that idea marinate.

Hear me out: What if Martin allowed this report to break this early in their relaysh in order to steal some of the focus away from of all of the Jay Z and Beyoncé divorce rumors? What if he did it to give Jay and Bey some breathing room?

“Shawn's really been put through the ringer, eh?” Martin' might’ve said to his assistant. “I don’t envy him for a moment. At least our drama was relatively nonexistent. That 'conscious uncoupling' thing was a brilliant move.”

And then, a lightbulb might’ve gone off in his head. “I know what’d really knock people’s socks off. A relationship that'd really catch them off guard. A relationship that'd really distract them from Shawn's personal life.”

“You can’t,” his assistant might’ve said. “It’s too early. You two only started dating. You haven’t even told Gwyneth yet. I have to put my foot down on this one.”

“I've already made up my mind. Can you do something for me?” Martin might’ve asked. “Email E! News and spill the beans. But not too many beans. Just enough beans.”

“Are you going to warn Jen?” the assistant might’ve asked.

“I’ll shoot Jen a text,” Carpenter might’ve replied. “She won’t mind any of this. Her sense of humor is wonderful, isn’t it?”

“What about Gwyneth?”

“Oh, I’ll call her. She'll understand where I'm coming from. Sean and Bey mean a lot to her. She'd do the same for them,” Martin might’ve answered. “All you need to do is email E! News.”

The assistant might’ve sighed at this request, but the assistant might’ve known he didn’t have a choice. “When should I do it?” the assistant might’ve asked.

A sly grin might’ve spread across Martin’s face.

“On her birthday.”


Thank you for permitting me to get that out of my system.

I had fun. I hope you did, too.

And may we never forget:

Happy Friday to every last one of us.

Image: peetatoast/tumblr