Beyoncé and Jay Z have literally spent the summer on the run and not just because of their On the Run tour. Nope, music's golden couple has done everything they can to avoid telling us the truth about their rumored marital drama. Just as I start to believe that the worst has happened and that they're headed for a divorce, Beyoncé shares, like, 10 adorable family photos, and I'm convinced that these two can make it work. Bey, stop playing with my emotions! Fortunately, though, that all ended on Sunday with Beyoncé's VMA performance, which promised to finally put an end to their relationship rumors once and for all. She always puts on a good show, but did it tell us what we needed to know?
Now that the highly anticipated (and constantly promoted) performance has happened, it's time to make the call: Does this mean Beyoncé and Jay-Z are dunzo or still on? We finally have our answer: As per the great Tina Knowles, it would seem that all is actually well in Bey-Z land, much to my relief. But as it turns out, the entire performance wasn't dedicated to Beyoncé's marital issues. It was actually dedicated to the fact that Beyoncé is a perfect human beying — wait, sorry, I mean being — who made the occasionally glitchy and, at times, WTF-worthy VMAs totally worth watching.
Beyoncé opened up the performance with several of her lesser known tracks from her most recent "visual album," backed by a league of shirtless dudes. The only question in my mind at this point (aside from "How is Beyonce possibly real?") is whether or not the tattoos that read "Mine" on these guys are real. All I know is that if Beyoncé asked me to get a tattoo across my torso, I would totally do it.
Over the course of the nearly 15 minute-long performance, Beyoncé performed bits of "Haunted," "No Angel," and "Blow," and the sheer magnitude of what she managed to pull off on the VMA stage is in itself impressive. Also impressive: Her rhinestone leotard. Can I purchase that in stores? Then, things became even more amazing when Bey brought down the house with "Drunk In Love," which eventually became "Partition," and then, best of all, "Flawless." "Ya'll get ready to get grimy?" Beyonce wanted to know. You bet your meticulously sculpted ass I am, Beyonce.
What is "getting grimy," exactly? This photo of Orange is The New Black's Laverne Cox getting down during Beyoncés performance is an accurate depiction of what I was doing at home at this point.
Toward the end, Beyoncé performed "Blue," and it was clear she was just singing to her baby as video clips of her and the most adorable tot in Hollywood played on the big screens behind her. And to end the night? "XO," which Beyonce said was for her fans. So sweet of her to dedicate this portion of the evening to me, right?
Of course, the Kardashian/Jenner clan were the only audience members who were visibly unimpressed by this, but I will let that one slide, seeing as they're probably bitter that Blue Ivy got more attention than North. #Sorrynotsorry.
Last but not least? When Jay-Z and Blue joined Beyoncé on stage to present her with the Video Vanguard award, and the supposedly feuding couple shared a sweet kiss. I would react to this, too, but I'm too busy crying.
Let there be no question in your mind after this performance: Beyoncé, Jay-Z, and Blue Ivy are the perfect, most wonderful family, and if they're pretending to get along for the cameras, I don't want to know about it. To me, they're still music royalty. Bow down bitches, indeed.