If you're a child of the late '90s, it's likely that you spent the better part of 3rd grade lusting after a pair of 7-inch-high flatworms. Without question, you can thank the Spice Girls and their dangerous shoes for fostering this preternatural lust for death traps of cobbler work. The Spices made frolicking about in a pair of cinderblock sneakers look so damn easy. Hence, you needed a pair. You pined for them. You sought out the slightly more real-world friendly-versions in a pair of rocket dog platform flip flops or Skechers 5-inch-thick foam-sole sneakers. Why? Because fashion took a premium over physics in your 8-year old brain.
Little did you understand that the Spice Girls were basically wearing loaded guns on their feet. Yes, i do realize that people have literally worn AK-47 shoes in the history of pop (lookin' at you Lady Gaga) but bear with me here. Plenty of signature shoes donned by the band members were TREACHEROUS with a capital T. The thigh-high platform boots were like asking for a broken ankle. The double club-foot trainers were high enough to give you serious vertigo. Wearing most of the shoes that Ginger, Baby, and Scary rocked from Wannabe to Spice World were be enough to alter a gal's depth perception for life. Seriously though, it would probably be wise to never get behind the wheel of a car again.
Let's tromp down memory lane in our least comfortable kicks, and remember some of the hellishly un-sensible shoes of the Spice Girls.
Baby Spice's white platform sneakers
These are only suitable to wear on an outing if you're being carried by a throng strapping male admirers.
Scary's cheetah-print sneakers
For directions on how to be mobile, see above!
Ginger's Union Jack heeled-boots
Schnazzy: Yes. Good for hiking: no.
Ginger, Scary, and Baby's sneakers
"Stack of phonebooks under your feet" was so in.
Yet again, the three in the middle
Posh and Sporty always seemed to get the memo about comfortable footwear.
Geri's platform boots
Just like with roller blading, if you think when walking in these shoes, you will inevitably fall.
Baby Spice's blue lamé boots
They're not that bad standing still, mom!
Ginger's denim platforms
I hope these have good arch support.
Ginger, Baby, and Scary yet again wore the platforms
Survival tip: While surfing on top of your tour bus, please refrain from wearing shoes that fuck with your center of gravity.
Images: Columbia Pictures (3)