You Don't Want To Go On A Date? Tough Noogies

My Kim Kardashian: Hollywood avatar owes publicist Maria Holmes the sun, the moon, and the K stars above. Without the combined efforts of Maria and Simon Orsik, my avatar would still be a lowly E lister. A once upon a time Kim Kardashian hanger-on. A retail employee who spends her days folding cold shoulder blouses at So Chic and daydreaming about that beautiful afternoon she gave Kim K. a dress for free.

Usually, I'm happy to go along with what Maria tells me to do. If the world of celebrity was a chess game, Maria would be the Bobby Fischer. She's a master strategist.

You want me to buy a new dress so I get photographed while I'm dining at Panino? Twist my two-dimensional arm, Maria! You want to start malicious rumors about Willow Pape? Have at it, Maria! You say you blackmailed a bouncer with a nude photo to get me onto the list for an upcoming party? You're the best, Maria!

However, every once in a while...

[Looks right and left]

...Maria tells my avatar to do things I/my avatar does not. Want. To. Do.

I have limited agency while playing KK:H (lots of clicking the "Okay!" button because it's the only button to click), so usually I'm forced to go along with Maria's plan du jour.

But occasionally, I am presented with the option to reject her suggestion. But after I consider what could happen if I say no to Maria, I choose yes. I always choose yes. It would be foolish to doubt the Bobby Fischer of the world of celebrity.

Also? Maria can be very scary. One time, I didn't head over to her office the second she asked me to, so she berated me about it and then hired an incompetent personal assistant. NEVER AGAIN.

So, I end up doing things that I'd rather not do. Here is every "suggestion" from Maria that has me like:


Every Time She Tells Me To Go On A Date

Yes, it'll land my name in the tabloids/increase my follower count. I get it, Maria.

But dates are sooooo boooooriiiiiing. And they use up all of the liiiiiiightning bolllllllts. And every date is soooooo ruuuuuuuude.

When She Told Me To Buy Multiple Houses

Hey, Maria? You realize if I buy that house in Miami, your Christmas bonus will take a hit, right? I don't sneeze piles of cash.

(I wish I did. That would make allergy season the best season ever.)

Whenever She Tells Me To Not Confront Willow Pape

Such a killjoy, Maria.

When She Told Me To Hire A Personal Assistant

My personal assistant? More like personal pain-in-the-assistant (who is very nice but so terrible at her job).

When She Told Me To Hire A Personal Trainer

Not only do I have to waste time/energy working out with that garbage monster in a fedora, I have to put up with all of his shittalk, too? Ugh, NO THANK YOU.

But hey, she is the woman who joined me on my arduous journey to find the earrings Kim K. lost. She goes above the call of duty. Maria is a true friend, indeed.

Images: Kim Kardashian: Hollywood; logotv, gifbuffet/tumblr