Bad Sex? There's Even an App for That

We all know ladies want passion, excitement, romance, or a mix of the three in bed. And seriously, what’s sexier than data, graphs, and, wait for it… achievement points?

Enter Spreadsheets, the new app from Ardenturous Labs in Silicon Beach, Los Angeles’ new tech epicenter. If you have trouble keeping count of your partner’s thrusts during sex, Spreadsheets has you covered, with an accelerometer to measure speed and duration, and a microphone to measure “exactly how loud” things get. Don’t worry, the app isn’t a recording device, because according to the makers “that would be creepy.”

Stats from each session get saved in the app so you can relive your sexual history in chart form. The Spreadsheets site doesn’t mention whether different partners get their own graph, or whether the data is aggregated (but then again, something tells me the individual partner is not the focus here). Just like Super Mario, a guy gets achievement points for certain benchmarks like the self-explanatory “Lion’s Roar” and “Thrusts Per Minute,” or the more cryptic “Gym Membership” (I, and Urban Dictionary, are flummoxed).

I hate to rag on anyone trying to make sex better, and maybe it’s a tech thing, but TPM, duration, pitch? Such is the stuff of mind-blowing sex in porn, not necessarily real life, where, you know, people are different, and have preferences, and change those preferences depending on their mood.

It’s hard to justify this app isn’t just an ego fluffer thinly disguised as self improvement and a desire to better please one's partner. After all, Spreadsheet’s FAQ section encourages dudes to, “share it with your friends and let the facts speak for themselves.” (Nothing about that says bragging at all to me). An admittedly cute, funny commercial for the app shows the various ways a lady tries to entice her guy, all of which fail, until she shows him Spreadsheets — cause all men love a little competition…

Most perturbing, unlike other sexy apps like HappyPlayTime, Spreadsheets isn’t instructional at all. It merely records data without showing guys how to actually up their game (other than jackhammer faster).

Men of earth, if you really want to gain sex god status, focus on pleasing your partner not clocking stats on a chart. Listen to her/his feedback and award yourself points that way, rather than seeking validation via an app. And most importantly, good sex with a woman usually involves the lady bits (completely left out of the Spreadsheets equation). Attend to them, as well as your gadget.

Image: jardul/Fotolia