It's time for the world to own up to what Katy Perry and Riff Raff’s VMA rendezvous was: the most awkward, cruel joke prom date ever. I repeat, Katy Perry and Riff Raff aren't dating. They would never date. The fact that they went on a faux date makes her more eye-roll-worthy than she already was. As human beings with the abilities of higher-order thinking, we all understand that this pair would never happen. Well, perhaps they'd work in the most demented opium dream of Harmony Korine, but that doesn't make me OK with it by any measure.
The potential of a Riff-Perry union elicited precisely the response is was meant to. That is to say, it got serious attention. When the pair showed up arm-in-denim-clad-arm on the VMA red carpet on Sunday, the world collectively reacted with the same horrified confusion, and texted their friends like, “Uuugh, Katy Perry is there with Riff Raff? This is unspeakably disturbing. I WILL HAVE NIGHTMARES FOREVER!!"
First of all, Riff Raff is the kind of individual who probably perspires a scent similar to Sizzurp and menthols. He is indeed, inherently gross. The world acknowledges this as an empirical fact. Katy Perry having the idea to go on a date with him reads as 40 percent publicity stunt, 30 percent cruel joke at Riff Raff’s expense, and 30 percent insult to the world’s intelligence. Sure, he's gross, but leave him to be gross in peace! In the incomparable words of "Magic," why ya gotta be so rude Kitty Purry??
For your consideration, I’ve outlined all the reasons that Katy Perry and Riff Raff's fake-lationship would never work in real life.
The date was a publicity stunt
Literally everything about this coupling reads as a gimmick to get people talking, brought to you by the queen of the gimmicks. Cue extremely unlikely leading man with the most bizarre facial hair ever, Riff Raff. Also, consider that the two collaborated on Katy's single "This Is How We Do" and it's likely that their date is just part of a long synergy tour. In the video above, they are departing an LA restaurant and being uncharacteristically cheeky with probing paparazzi questions. This seems like it's for everyone's benefit, but their own.
She would NEVER be attracted to him
They come from different worlds & would never truly connect
Well to begin with, Katy Perry has an estimated net worth of $110 million and Riff is worth a paltry $2 million. Riff Raff is a rapper from Houston with the sort of grotesque persona that made him the perfect template for James Franco's character Alien in Spring Breakers. Katy Perry is the kind of astronomically successful pop star who can't leave her house without throngs of attendants and security personnel. Sure, they're both famous, but in entirely different scenes that are completely incongruous. He's a wierdo cultish figure born for camp cinema, and her singles get turned into Kidz Bop tracks. This is not a Princess Charming/Street Male Cinderella situation. The above video speaks for itself. I mean, what would they talk about? All his shee-yit?
She clearly just doesn't like him
Thanks to the folks at Vulture and the success of the audience cam, we have gifs that crystallize the dynamic between Katy Perry and Riff Raff. Huzzah! On the eve of the VMAs, we see Perry talking to Miley Cyrus, we see her chatting up Sam Smith, and we see Riff Raff looking off like a jilted teen in the periphery. This whole scene reeks of "I can't stand my date, so my strategy is to ignore them to the point of being EXTREMELY rude." Just check out the following failed toast...
Oh, burn. Nothing but cold shoulder.
In conclusion, this couple should never, and will never happen. Welp, that's what happens when the popular girl invites the black sheep to the prom as a gag.
Image: Getty Images (2); Vulture (2)