Just Call Her Doughnuts McCigarettes

If you didn't already know, Diablo Cody is the coolest. The screenwriter of Juno, Jennifer's Body, and Young Adult is an Oscar-winning scribe, a feminist role model, and the person who's responsible for turning Meryl Streep into a rock star in your favorite movie of 2015. So it's no surprise that when given even the most mundane of challenges, she's able to turn the tasks into something amazing — such as when New York magazine's "Grub Street Diet" asked Cody to document her eating habits for six days in a row, and the column she wrote as a result became a work of comedic genius.

I mean, it's perfect. In the very first line, Cody quotes Nicki Minaj ("I ain't missing no meals"), and it only goes up from there. There's Five Guys references, dog-fueled embarrassment, hints at what it's like to attend a Chelsea Lately's wrap party — everything about this food diary is pure, hilarious brilliance. And it's no surprise; Cody is a fantastic writer, of course, but as anyone who saw Juno or Young Adult knows, she also has a keen eye for food, as long as it's a) bad for you and b) delicious. Juno's hamburger phone, Mavis' obsession with Diet Coke... as great as she is at writing complex women or realistic romance, there's nothing Cody gets quite like the world of fast food. For instance:

"I would probably eat dead wasps if you tossed them with chocolate chips and dehydrated papaya."

Everyone who's ever mindlessly tossed back handfuls of trail mix understands this. It looks healthy and good, so who cares what's actually in the bag?

"Sometimes I'll go vegan for up to 45 minutes."

Said by Cody right after consuming a cheeseburger at Five Guys.

"LaCroix, the methadone of carbonated beverages, is never going to be an adequate substitute for our silver mistress."

Our silver mistress = Diet Coke, because Cody is a nickname genius set on changing the way we look at soda forever.

"I turned into Doughnuts McCigarettes the second I left for college."

Nothing says "welcome to adulthood" more than forgoing all things green and leafy just because you can!

"Sometimes we do 5-Hour Energy shots, and I'm like, are we truckers?"

No one in the history of mankind has ever felt good about themselves while taking a 5-hour energy shot.

"Her little muzzle was covered in organic ranch and bacon bits; her snorts were joyful. I felt like I had walked in on sex."

Warning: do not leave your French bulldogs near your Cobb salads. It will not end well.

"I went to the drive-through in North Hollywood, where they know and love me."

Who needs a Whole Foods Loyalty Card when the cashiers at Taco Bell know you by name? Clearly, Cody has her priorities straight.

"He chose a can of Dr. Pepper from the cooler and said, "Mom, what does Dr. Pepper taste like?" I replied, "Son, that is a riddle for the ages."


"There was a gallon Ziploc bag of Skittles in my underwear drawer, so I brought it out."

Cody's final line in the piece is perhaps her best. Because let's be real — whether it's Skittles or M&Ms or a crumbled up can of Doritos from a two-week-old party, we've all been there. Right? Anyone? Oh, crap.

Images: Tumblr (3)