Today is a very important day. Not just because it’s Friday, or International Talk Like a Pirate Day, but it’s also, National Sit On My Face Day. I’m not lying, nor am I talking about my face, per se, but rather the faces of men everywhere. What sort of country would we be without days like today, or National Cheeseburger Day? (Which was yesterday, by the way.)
The exact history of National Sit On My Face Day isn’t really known. A Google search didn’t bring up anything, but #NationalSitOnMyFaceDay is trending on Twitter, so obviously it’s legit. However, I’m going to assume it probably came from the type of lads who invented Steak and BJ Day which happens to fall exactly a month after Valentine’s Day on March 14th, you know, because now it’s the woman’s turn to “repay the favor,” for all the hard work her fella put into making Valentine’s Day one to remember. Right.
Personally, the idea of National Sit On My Face Day is horrifying. The few times a guy has requested that I do this, I’ve all but broken into hives and cold sweats, and cried at the suggestion. Of course that didn’t stop me from partaking on a couple of occasions, but man oh man, it just definitely is not my jam. The thoughts that go through my head are morbid ones that involve suffocation and eventual death. I can’t imagine I’m alone in this thinking.
So, on this very important day, what type of things go through a woman’s head as she straddles a man’s face? These…
1. HOW CAN HE BREATHE DOWN THERE?
2. HOW WILL I KNOW IF HE SUFFOCATES TO DEATH?
Like will I hear a death rattle or something?
3. I REALLY HOPE I CAN’T BE CONVICTED OF MANSLAUGHTER IF HE DOES DIE
4. MAYBE I SHOULD PULL MY HIPS UP A BIT
5. PLEASE DON’T GET A CHARLIE HORSE. PLEASE DON’T GET A CHARLIE HORSE.
6. OMG. OMG. I’M LOSING MY BALANCE. BE COOL.
7. I WONDER IF HE REALIZES HE’S ABOUT AN INCH AWAY FROM MY CLIT
8. WILL HE LET ME KNOW WHEN HE’S DONE OR WILL I HAVE TO GUESS?
9. UGH. I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN OUT THE TRASH. I CAN SMELL IT FROM HERE
10. I SHOULDN’T HAVE BLOWN OFF MY WAX APPOINTMENT
He’s probably going to end up with a rash on his face from whatever stubble might be down there.
11. WAIT. IS HE TRYING TO SAY SOMETHING?
12. MAYBE IF I FAKE AN ORGASM NOW WE CAN JUST MOVE ON TO OTHER THINGS
13. I MIGHT ENJOY THIS IF I WASN’T PUTTING IN SO MUCH EFFORT NOT TO SMOTHER HIM OR FALL OFF THE BED
14. DO WOMEN ACTUALLY LIKE THIS POSITION?
15. WHAT TIME IS IT? I DON’T WANT TO MISS JIMMY FALLON
I think James Spader is on tonight.
16. OH, MAN, I SHOULD HAVE SHOWERED RIGHT BEFORE THIS LITTLE ESCAPADE
17. THIS HAS TO BE THE MOST EXHAUSTING POSITION IN THE WORLD
18. SHIT. I AM GETTING A CHARLIE HORSE!
19. IF HE TRIES TO SIT ON MY FACE AFTER THIS, WE’RE GOING TO HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM
No one likes balls in their face, do they?