12 Things That Happen When You Have All Acquaintances And No Best Friends

NEW YORK, NY - MAY 06: Comedians Tina Fey and Amy Poehler speak onstage at Spike TV's 'Don Rickles: One Night Only' on May 6, 2014 in New York City. (Photo by Theo Wargo/Getty Images for Spike TV)
Source: Theo Wargo/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Lately, I’ve been trying to surround myself with people I genuinely like. People who would probably at least think about it if they had the chance to save my life in exchange for theirs. People who are positive, and don’t get outrageously offended or grossed out if I vividly talk about my period, or my sex life. People who are also able to get sad sometimes, because really shiny, happy people make me nervous. People who will share a plate of Denny’s cheesy fries at 2 a.m. and not talk about how this means they’ll have to do like 500 hours of cardio at the gym tomorrow (because fuck that shit). People who post celebrity gossip on my Facebook wall because we both unapologetically think Kim Kardashian is simultaneously the worst and best. However, these awesome people are not my best friends. They’re close to me, and I trust them and I probably even love them, but I don’t think I have a best friend. And that’s OK. I think. 

So, basically here's what happened after college:

  1. I got engaged kind of prematurely. As in, not an engagement I wasn’t ready for; rather, I got engaged pretty damn early age-wise, which was fine by me because I was (and am) confident I made the right choice in Person Who Will Be By My Side If I Ever Shit Myself Or When I Am Unreasonably Bitchy For No Reason. Even though we’re waiting to get married because weddings are stupidly pricey, we live together. And when you live with the person you sleep with, you just inadvertently stop seeing your friends as much. 
  2. Almost all of my best friends from high school and college moved away from me. One moved to Texas to pursue her cowgirl rockstar career. Another is in Virginia getting her MFA.
  3. I simultaneously started grad school and freelance writing, so I spend every conscious moment in my life crafting either metaphors or the fine rhetoric of Internet. Friends from school text me to go out, and I reply, “ACTUALLY Gwyneth Paltrow just said something stupid about water and spirituality so I have to write a think piece about that, SRY, maybe in like four hours.” 

Obviously, this is no emotionally healthy way of living life, but it sometimes happens. Either all your friends move away, grow apart from you, or you just get sucked into your career, or relationship, and suddenly wake up with no best friends. But it will be allright. Because I’m here for you. If this phenomenon is happening to you too, you will notice:

1. Most conversations you have with people happen via GChat 

Because you’re busy, you usually make room for your social life via technology. Texting, GChatting, or Facebook messaging is just the most practical, efficient way to get your daily dose of gossip and human interaction. 

2. You learn about major life events of former BFFs through Facebook 

It’s kind of jarring when this happens, because you never expected to log on to Facebook and discover your old best friend from high school is pregnant or now the CEO of Starbucks or whatever. You constantly wonder if “liking” the status update is appropriate, or maybe you should privately message them. Social dilemma! 

3. A Saturday night alone in your apartment with a running bath and bottle of pinot is the dream 

Rowdy nights at the bars with your girlfriends sound exhausting, even though you could use the social activity. You lazily text a coworker instead. 

4. The last time you borrowed a piece of clothing was from your mom last Christmas 

The best part about having a best friend is obviously getting to borrow all her clothes, no questions asked. The closest thing you have to that is either thrift shopping, or asking your mom if you could wear her cardigan from Chico’s because it’s cold. 

5. Your parents ask how your friends are doing and you’re like, “Um, they're OK I guess?” 

YOU HAVE NO IDEA but you don’t want your parents to think you’re a loser, either.  Commence making shit up. 

6. When you do get together with old friends, the only material you have to talk about is people you used to know 

“Did you see Lauren is still with that dude from college? The one that looks like a cave man?” is your go-to conversation because it’s easy and you have that subject nailed. 

7. You’re not lonely, but you’re not not lonely 

You know many people! You are well-liked! You get like 50 emails a day! But sometimes it would be nice to substitute that with something more personal, like a shared bottle of wine and old reruns of Laguna Beach to watch with a person you’re super close to. 

8. You seriously panic a little bit about who will be your bridesmaids for an eventual wedding 

Because you’re not quite close enough with people you can ask to put on expensive dresses made of shiny material and embody the solid rocks you need when planning a huge life event. 

9. You wonder if anyone will even want to be a bridesmaid for your eventual wedding 

I mean, it’s a commitment. Even a thousand GChats may not warrant that much physical and emotional labor. 

10. You never “do nothing” with friends anymore 

You have acquaintances who will go with you to get your nails done, go out to lunch with you, take part in a boozy after-work happy hour, but sitting around in yoga pants and unwashed hair is just too personal and unfocused. 

11. You never have anyone to text after midnight to discuss ex-boyfriends 

Such an integral part of friendship is being able to express sheer horror over social media discoveries pertaining to exes. Especially if they got married or are doing good things with their lives. The opposite also warrants attention by the way — it’s equally entertaining to see an insufferable ex still living off of his parents’ money and working at Coffee Bean. 

12. No one will be super real with you like a best friend is real with you 

I have to say, this is what I miss most. No one will tell me, “GIRL. You need to invest in a new pair of black skinnies because yours are 50 shades lighter than black and you are just not living up to your black jean potential.” I had to tell myself that this morning. Into the mirror.

Images: Getty; Giphy(6) 

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