15 Morgan Quotes from 'The Mindy Project' That Blew Your Mind with Words of (Prison) Wisdom

My high school principal used to do "words of wisdom" over the PA system during homeroom, but since leaving high school many moons ago, I've needed a new guiding light. Turns out, Morgan Tookers quotes from The Mindy Project were all I needed. The characters of The Mindy Project have all the knowledge I need. I already was aware of the fact that Mindy Kaling as Mindy Lahiri can perfectly articulate my life struggles, but nurse Morgan Tookers (played by Ike Barinholtz) has his own brand of advice.

Morgan is smarter than you may have thoughten. Whether he's inappropriately interfering in his bosses' lives or just offering too much information about his own, Morgan has something (hilarious) to say.

So, here are 15 times that Morgan offered viewers of The Mindy Project his unconventional prison wisdom.

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Own a Job Interview

Speak the truth at your job interviews. It might get you hired … some of the time. At least that’s how Morgan handled it with Mindy and Danny. When they asked him his strengths, he said:

“Upper body. I own my own scrubs. Also, when it comes to drawing blood, I’m so painless I’m like a giant mosquito.”

Then he showed off his “No More Stealing Cars” tattoo to show that his prison days were far behind him. At least in the world of The Mindy Project, this can get you hired — as a nurse no less. Seems legit.

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Know How to Escape a Sticky Situation

The Shulman and Associates gang hit the club early in Season 1. Jeremy was having a moral dilemma when a bride-to-be was trying to get him to sleep with her. Morgan stepped in and told the woman that Jeremy had “crazy diarrhea.” When Jeremy was annoyed by that, Morgan said diarrhea had to be the excuse.

“Yeah, diarrhea shuts it down, okay?”

Truth, Tookers. Truth. Nothing says, “Don’t hook up with that person” better than diarrhea.

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Respect the Butt — and the Brains

While trying to pick out a sexy Halloween costume to go to a party with her boyfriend Josh, Mindy enlisted the help of the nurses and admins. As she tried on costumes, Morgan gave this gem of advice:

“Number two sexiest female organ: the butt. Number one sexiest female organ: the brain. The ba-donk-a-donk and the ba-think-a-think.”

This led Mindy to realize that she should show off her cleverness — not just her body. (I still think she should have gone with her Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy costume though.)

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Be a Warrior

Morgan gave a pep talk to Mindy and her friend Gwen (portrayed by Anna Camp — no longer on the show) after Danny made Mindy feel like she was too old to have kids. Morgan’s prison wisdom?

“Think of the best, strongest warrior version of yourself. Give that warrior a name. Never tell it to anyone. Mine is Axehead Lundgren. (Come on, Morgan!) Okay, okay, then whatever he’s doing to the warrior, he’s not doing to you, so you find his weakness, and you tell your warrior to go get him.”

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Listen to Prison Wisdom

Morgan offered some advice to the doctors when they went to a women’s prison to provide care. Mindy did not listen to him (even after the warrior speech? for shame!) when he told her to hide her hair underneath a newsboy cap. When her hair got cut off by a deranged inmate, she ended up looking like a “monster” (Morgan’s words). On the car ride home, he yelled at the doctors saying:

“When it comes to prisons, I am the gynecologist and you’re the nurses!”

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Shine Like the Star You Are

When Mindy’s brother revealed he wanted to be a professional rapper — Morgan supported him 100 percent (Mindy did not). Morgan’s faith in Rishi helped Mindy turn a corner on Rishi’s life choice and they ended up helping him in a rap battle. Although Morgan ended up busting his own lines at the rap battle, what he said about his previous performance experience showed that he had could handle the limelight.

“Rishi, I know you wanted a woman to sing this part, but I did play Effie White in the Otisville production of Dreamgirls. My cell mate said it was, ‘better than solitary.’”

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Mail the Letters from Your Heart

Morgan mailed a secret letter Danny had written to his ex-wife Christina years earlier. Danny was so outraged, he fired Morgan. But Morgan, in an actual moment of normal sincerity, explained why he mailed the letter:

“Because he loved her, and she needed to know that, and it was wrong of me to do it.”

But don’t worry if you like your Morgan outrageous — he got ridiculous again after he saved Danny during the triathlon.

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Learn about Your City and Keep Up with the Trends

Morgan gave helpful tips about the sites of NYC in the episode where Christina had a gallery showing of her photography — which featured all naked photos of Danny:

“So, I’m running through Battery Park looking for batteries, which I don’t find, but I do find adventure.”

When at the art gallery, he kept the group up-to-date with what was hot on the Internet regarding the show, when he said:

“NipCity is trending.”

If only we knew about Diamond Dan back then! (#NipCity #DiamondDan)

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Be an Expert Sexter

Morgan knows the subtleties of the digital world. When Peter and him text Cliff from Mindy’s phone, he knows what a difference an emoji can make.

“Are you kidding me? A winky face? That’s like emoji porn.”

Yes, it is. And yes, it worked (well, eventually).

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Read a Room

It’s important to know how to read the energy of a room and Morgan excelled at that during “Christmas Party Sex Trap,” when he walked in on Mindy and Danny bonding.

“Whoa, weird energy in here. Is the ghost back?”

Yes, Morgan. It’s the ghost — not the sexual tension.

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Reconcile Relationships with Family

In another moment of Morgan meddling in Danny’s affairs, Morgan called Danny’s estranged dad and arranged a dinner date for the father and son (with the help of Danny’s brother Richie) while they were out in LA. When Danny asked why, he said:

“Well, I thought it’d be good for you, and I got his number from Richie, ‘cause Richie and I are in an email chain. We trade slow cooker recipes. He makes unbelievable carnitas.”

Turns out, Morgan was right and it was good for Danny to make amends with his dad. (And it brought Mindy and Danny closer together — so, way to go, Morgan! P.S. can I join the slow cooker recipe email chain?)

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Love Your Grandmother

At Cliff’s grandmother’s funeral, Morgan (who lives with his grandmother) offered one of his many TMI tidbits.

“I kissed my grandmother so tight on the lips this morning, she said, ‘Get the hell off me.’”

So maybe be close to your grandmother — just not Morgan Tookers-close.

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Don't Want No Scrubs

Morgan is always defensive of his Queen Mindy and when he thought that Peter was dating her, he told her she could do better.

”He’s using you for your perfect body and your cover girl looks, and you need to dump this scrub.”

Bonus points for the TLC reference and for the fact that Peter is a doctor.

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Know Your Disney

When Danny was upset about everyone knowing his personal business, he solemnly took to playing “Let It Go” on the piano. But Morgan hates people having privacy, so he interrupted that moment with Cousin Lou (Rob McElhenney) in tow.

“Open the door. I hear you playing Frozen.”

Props for knowing Disney, but let him play!

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Love Animals — and Let Them Go ('Frozen' Style)

We already know that Morgan knows all about letting it go and he’s also proven to us that he’s a devoted animal lover. So what happened when he had to give his 40 dogs away because of Tamra’s allergies? In order to deal with parting with one of his beloved dogs, he had an emotional goodbye.

“Your name is not Nicole. Your name is anonymous. Goodbye forever. Ah-ah-ah! Get this mangy mutt … hold on. Do you remember when we watched America’s Got Talent?”

Perhaps not the most successful farewell (he got to keep his dogs though! And gave Nicole to Peter), but that’s Morgan. His heart is always in the right — if not weird — place.

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