Attention all lady- and man-children: everything you do is adorable. You can do no wrong. You could probably murder someone, get blood and guts all over your Peter Pan collared shirt, and walk into the police station saying, “Oops!” and totally get away with it. When you want to apologize for something, showing up with a batch of freshly baked cookies (from scratch!) and your infectious smile is always enough to melt anyone’s heart into a puddle of forgiveness. When you exist, the universe becomes a more charming place.
I think the world could use more adorable adults. So many of us have become hardened, callous with pessimism and doubt. We have little faith in humanity. We wear black cardigans and stern sweaters from Gap. We don’t appreciate the virtues in baby animals as much as we could. Adorable people are the rainbow unicorns we all need in our lives.
With that said, it’s always a little bothersome to witness a lady child get away with something you know you certainly wouldn’t. “It’s only because she’s adorable,” you may whisper to yourself, eyes permanently rolled. And that’s absolutely true. There are things us normal civilians cannot do without facing judgment, such as:
1. Ordering hot chocolate and calling it “cocoa”
First of all, hot chocolate should be enjoyed privately, in the safety of your home, where no one can see you toss a handful of mini-marshmallows into your instant Swiss Miss. The worst offense, however, is calling hot chocolate “hot cocoa.” It’s so unbearably cutesy, I want to throw up whenever a full-grown human uses that term. However, if you’re adorable, you can live off your hot cocoa and no one would even notice. Not even me.
2. High-pitched laughing
3. Busting out the ukulele
OF COURSE you play the ukulele! You learned in college when you attended Lewis and Clark and minored in the theory of twee.
4. Asking for crayons at a restaurant
Because scrolling through Instagram or playing the Kim Kardashian game is too alienating.
5. Wearing footie pajamas
Us normal humans just look like we tried out Halloween but it didn’t work and now we're just stuck with itchy feet.
6. Loudly eating
Smacking, getting frosting all over your mouth and nose, licking your fingers one by one, and making moaning noises is absolutely disgusting. But you! You can play with your food and eat it too.
7. Owning a display of stuffed animals
While more serious adults have replaced their childhood collection of Beanie Babies and teddy bears with accent pillows from Crate and Barrel, adorable folk proudly exhibit their fluffy old friends. Some are gifts from exes, some are just relics of nostalgia. All, most likely, have names bestowed upon them.
8. Showing up with elaborately decorated cupcakes
Somehow adorable people always have sacred time for baking. Not only are their creations delicious, but they look like cupcakes that were produced in a bakery.
9. Baby talk
Whether it’s directed to their siblings, children, pets, or partners, baby talk is hella annoying and kind of ridiculous. When cute people do it though? It feels and sounds natural, as though they are fluent in the language of their darling ancestors.
10. Insisting on being pen pals
E-mails and texts are just so impersonal. Remember when you had pen pals in elementary school and how exciting it was to receive a letter addressed to you? Writing letters with a pen and paper brings back the integrity of human connectivity. Plus, you get to use all your gel pens you bought from eBay!
11. Posting songs you wrote using household items
Think CocoRosie, probably the only successful band to not only sing in creepy baby-voices, but using pots and pans to write music. Joanna Newsom also sounded like a creepy baby, but I’m pretty sure she just played piano and the harp.
12. Giving friends DIY gifts for their birthdays and holidays
I am not saying DIY gifts should be frowned upon. I love DIY gifts. They are usually so quirky and personal. Like, I love shopping on Etsy (aka Adorable Person Headquarters.) I’m really only talking about DIY gifts that look like they were made by a five-year-old at day camp. Macaroni picture frames. A piece of notebook paper with a glittery heart on it. All things I would toss in the trash if given to me by a non-adorable person.
13. Being late or early to anything
“Fashionably late” is out of fashion. Being early is the new fashionably late, but if you’re cute, you can just waltz right in whenever, and no one will even notice. Normal looking adult humans are impossibly awkward if they don't show up to any event within a tragically narrow window of social acceptability.
14. Owning Lisa Frank folders and notebooks
“You’re ridiculous,” my boyfriend says to me as I flip to a new month on my Lisa Frank calendar. The scrutiny is worth it, though.
15. Throwing tea parties
And dressing up for the occasion, obviously.
16. Insisting on Mickey Mouse shaped pancakes for breakfast
Because regular pancakes won’t do, and heaven forbid a bowl of Raisin Bran is offered.
17. Professing that your favorite book is Goodnight Moon
I mean, all books with young, rabbit protagonists played very crucial roles in our childhood. I almost get it.
18. Posting your haikus on Facebook
Because the grass is not green but a figment of dusty stars + horses
(c) Gina Vaynshteyn
(I don’t think you’re allowed to add a plus sign but whatever.)
19. Owning half the dresses on Modcloth
Adorable women will always own at least one dress that has little animals on it (foxes or owls are preferable), and anything ‘50s-looking is key.
20. Owning a hoodie with stitched on cat ears
Where do you even get those?
Farting without seeming sort of gross is had to pull off. You need to embody a particularly cutesy demeanor, as though you practically farted on purpose and you’re blessing all of those around you with your farts. Think Jessica Simpson circa Newly Weds. She farted on national television, and all she had to do was giggle and tell Nick Lachey that he “loves her stinky farts,” and it was just so precious and we all laughed. It’s hard to pull off farting, but adorable people just OWN it.
22. Wearing ornamental glasses
Non-prescription glasses are stupid, but some people insist on wearing them because they think it’s cute, but it’s not cute when you’re not actually vision-impaired, I will tell you right now, so cut it out. However. Cute people were BORN to wear Buddy Holly frames. It’s in their DNA. So if they have to fake it a little bit, that’s okay. I excuse them.