Let me tell you a brief tale of a man and the pile of pug puppies who love him: When I woke up this morning, as you do first thing every morning, I was lying in my bed, ignoring my cats as they ate my hair and made furtive vomit noises near my butt area (as they are wont to do) and checking my email. I had at least five messages from different folks all marked urgent. My heart started to race – had something terrible happened during the night? Was Gwyneth Paltrow okay? Had aliens from planet Throbtron landed? Was Kim Kardashian leading the charge against them?
Nope. Nothing like that. Turns out the "urgent matter" was an affable Russian dude who was mobbed by a swarm of adorable pug puppies and was reduced to a gibbering, giggly mess on the floor while they licked him to pieces and vigorously shook their pug booties (they are all about that bass, yo.) Once I had watched the video the required number of times (no less than eight, no more than twenty), I did what any older sibling with an incendiary wit and too much time on her hands would do: I took to Facebook, posted the video on my sister's wall and was all "Lol, I didn't know you spoke Russian", implying that she was the video's bald-headed star.
It was awesome. I laughed loudly like an animated villain. This was excellent revenge for last week when she got all up in my timeline to be like:
Yes, obviously I'm going to show the video now. You're welcome for the cute animal fest happening in here right now:
The awesomeness of raccoons and their nimble digits aside, I think pugs easily trump raccoons in a battle of cuteness (which there absolutely needs to be.) Listen to their little flat-faced snortles! Observe their enthusiasm and Iggy Pop-like lust for life! Man, imagine what a pug dressed up like Iggy Pop would look like. Where would you find tiny enough leather pants? You'd probably have to make them yourself using an exceptionally small sewing machine.
The point is: If you can just walk into someone's house in Russia and find yourself swathed in pug puppies, then I have stayed true to the red white and blue for slightly too long. Russia is clearly where I belong. Somebody quick – get me a passport, some vodka, doggie biscuits, and one of them giant furry hats, stat! I'VE GOT A PLANE TO CATCH. And also, you should always be a good person and post ridiculous animal video's on your siblings' Facebook walls.
Images: Rebecca Stokes/Facebook