Elevators are the poo – in a bad way, not the complimentary way Kirsten Dunst says it in Bring It On . I hate what elevators do, and I hate what they bring out in people. I mean, I can totally the support their whole "SUCK IT, STAIRS" attitude (one I often promote myself) but there is something about traveling through the bowels of a building in a tight, often stinky, metal box that makes every human being who steps inside of it forget, for a time, what it is to be a decent person. Maybe I am exaggerating, but I really don't think I am, when I declare: Satan made elevators.
There's always that one person who frantically jams the "close door" button over and over and over again the second anyone gets out on a floor that isn't his. I wish that repeat button-jammers could learn that repeating the gesture does not accomplish your task any faster. In fact, I wish repeated jamming of a button actually opened up the floor and sent the repeat jammer plummeting to their death. Or at least, to their vast discomfort. JAM THAT, son.
They are death traps, breaking necks and severing limbs. They are always too small and always too crowded and poorly lit and rife with reflective surfaces that exist solely to show you that today, you do in fact, look just like Daryl Hammond. Elevators exist to spite us, and here are 13 reasons why they are the worst places on earth.
1. Because No Matter What You're Doing In Them, You Feel Like An Idiot
Stand in the back left corner? The back right? Smile and say hello to people getting on? Avoid all eye-contact? Stare at the numbers as though you are controlling them with your mind? There is literally not one thing you can do without seeming awkward in an elevator. Even just standing there, you look like a tool and also when did your arms gets so long? Oh my god, what should I be doing with my arrrrrrms?!
2. Because They Are Actual Death Traps
An elevator may seem like a very practicular means of upwards and downwards conveyance, but actually you are in a small shoebox that is being whisked up and down at great speeds, your weight and the box itself being support solely by some wires. You know what wires do? They snap. And when they snap, you go falling down a chute to a basement where your last thought will be "JILLIAN MICHAELS WAS RIIIIIIIIIGHT!"
3. They Are Known Fart, Sneeze, And Burp Canisters
If you are lucky to get into an elevator and find yourself alone, you find it to be the perfect opportunity to let out that squeaky stank-fart you've had brewing for hours. Or you sneeze freely and vigorously. Or you burp like you've never burped before. Then you leave. You leave, but your gases, fluids and contagions remain to haunt the next riders like the worst sort of odiferous ghost.
4. You Don't Have to Be Sane to Ride One
While you can vouch for your own sanity, you cannot vouch for the sanity of all the people you will encounter in an elevator. You may get a great story to tell later, but for right now, you've got someone's groin in your face because they think it is socially acceptably to do lunges in the elevator. There really ought to be some sort of elevator rider license which will only be issued upon proof that you are not, in fact, a crazy person bent on making others uncomfortable.
5. Climbing Out The Top Is Not Actually a Thing
In case of emergency in an elevator we have all learned (from movies, totally reliable vessels of truth) that you just climb out of the top. Well, guess what happens when you do that? You are on top of an elevator. This is infinitely more dangerous and less productive than staying in the elevator and calling for help would be.
6. They Are Making Our Cats Lazy
My cats are already exceptionally lazy. I once watched one stare at a cat treat lying just out of reach in what appeared to be an attempt to move it with feline telekensis. This was unsuccessful. If you gave every cat an elevator they would soon grow fatter than all humans and overpower us as a species. This is a stress we don't need.
7. They Are Trying to Murder Our Dogs
Hope you don't like your dog too much because it turns out THE ELEVATOR wants it dead. I'm thinking it's just exceptionally threatened by the corkiness of their tales. That and the fact that they can pee wherever they want including, you know, inside of elevators.
8. THEY ARE FULL OF POKEMON
This is the part where I start screaming and then never stop screaming. I don't know which is worse: elevator doors gushing forth with all-too-real Pokemon figures running towards me, or the elevators in The Shining that open to gush forth with a tidal wave of blood. Oh, scratch that, I do know: It's the FIRST ONE.
9. The Awkward Small Talk
You're stuck in the elevator with your ex-boyfriend, or Steve from the mailroom (aka, your mortal enemy), or that girl who sits near you whose name you still don't know. It's only a minute-long ride but it feels like lifetimes. You are surprised, upon exiting, to discover that you have not visibly aged nor have you sweated through all of your clothing.
10. This Asshole
As long as elevators exist, there will always be someone who thinks it is hilarious to hit every single button for every single floor. Sometimes this will be a drunk person and you will be allowed to express your annoyance, but mostly it will be a child and you will be forced to give the monster an indulgent smile.
11. People Don't Understand How They Work
Citizens of the universe: While I understand that you want to get on the elevator, in order for that to happen, everyone else has to get off of the elevator first. I promise you, the elevator will still be here once we get out. Do not make me kick you in your reproductive regions.
12. The Music Is Soul Crushing
Your day is already off to a brutal start. The last thing you need is to get into the elevator and be serenaded by Karen Carpenter wailing about rainy days and mondays getting her down. It's 8AM which is generally viewed as being far, far too early to start drinking bourbon right from the bottle at your desk.
13. Shia LeBeouf Might Be On It
He is a wizard. He lurks in unknown corners. You never know, he could be standing behind you right now. Don't move. Don't blink. Don't scream. Just try and stay calm. It will all be over soon.
Images: Giphy (13)