The music world has just been dealt a devastating blow: On Thursday, The New York Times reports that Adele's new album won't be released until at least 2015. Wow. I don't even know what to say. Well, let me begin by taking a few gosh darn seconds to break this disastrous news down for everybody: Adele's last album, the Grammy Award–winning 21 , came out in January 2011. Therefore, it's been nearly four years since its release. That is roughly 6,000 years for a pop music fan. I'm not exaggerating — that's longer than forever and infinity combined.
When I first heard 21, I was just a young whippersnapper, cruising through life with hardly a care in the world. Now, I'm taking a calcium supplement to support my overall bone health and I have to turn on the freakin' closed captioning when I'm watching my favorite TV shows, NCIS and re-runs of Murder She Wrote!!! Where is fairness? Where is justice? WHERE IS ADELE???
I'll tell you where Adele is: Probably spending some quality time with her boyfriend, Simon Konecki, and their almost two-year-old son, Angelo! Oh, and she's working on new music, too. What do you think about THAT? Okay, when I put it that way, this whole four-year break thing sounds totally reasonable and legit. You gotta have that healthy work/life balance, you know? Adele had a busy past couple of years — she deserves some time off! Besides, there are more important things in life than delivering the world's next great breakup song (well...that might be up for debate). Still, I guess I'm just having a really hard time right now...
These, my friends, are the nine emotional stages of discovering that Adele's new album isn't coming out until 2015:
The "I Can't Even" Stage
The Terrifying Taxidermy Fox Stage
The "This Can't Be Happening" Stage
The Single Tear Stage
The Hulk Smash Stage
The Hulk Smash Stage: Phase 2
The Sobbing & Snotting Stage (With An Occasional Hulk Smash Outburst At Those Who Try To Calm You Down)
The "I Don't Even Care About Anything Anymore" Stage
The I'm Okay, You're Okay, We're Gonna Get Through This Thing Together (Even Though Most Everyone Else Was Okay the Entire Time) Stage
Yeah, it's an emotional roller coaster — but we're gonna make it. I promise.