Gird your loins, everyone. The merry band of attractive persons from Sexy Unique Restaurant (aka SUR) are poised for their grand television return in less than a fortnight. Vanderpump Rules Season 3 premieres on Nov. 3, kicking off a season that's likely to be a gratifying hurricane of emotions and beer tears. So, raise your glasses high and put your food order in stat. The service is about to get pretty slow.
At the conclusion of Season 2, we left Stassi, Jax, Kristen, Tom Number 1, and all of our other favorite characters in a state of devastation resembling the final act of Hamlet. Basically, everyone had broken up and nobody was speaking. Jax and Kristen concealed their sexual tryst from the rest of the cast, betraying both Stassi and Tom. Stassi has since quit her job at SUR, and wants nothing to do with either Kristen or Jax. Tom was extremely hurt by all of the goings on, and doesn't know who he can trust anymore. YEESH! It was a mess. How can they begin to salvage their lives from the wreckage of this broken-down palace?!
Just thinking of it makes me wanna pour myself a glass of noon-time Arbor Mist to take the edge off. Speaking of, let's talk drinking games. Because if this show's characters are anything, they are dependable in the fact that they're always a) flirting; b) fighting; c) planning a birthday trip to Cabo or Las Vegas; d) drinking; e) prancing around in various states of undress. So, let's play Andy Cohen for a sec. While watching the Vanderpump Rules premiere this November, take a guzzle of your adult beverage every time each of the following things happens.
Every time Tom Sandoval takes his shirt off, sip white wine for 3 seconds
His shirt can't contain all of the feelings.
For that matter, do the same every time Jax disrobes his torso
Also, take a shot of Fireball every time he gets a wildly irresponsible tattoo or gets arrested.
When Tom Schwartz pours a drink on somebody, chug-a-lug
Two years in a row, Katie's boyfriend Tom Schwartz poured alcohol on another human at Stassi's birthday. It has become a time-honored tradition.
When Stassi chastises Jax, and Jax's brain does not compute, do a mind-eraser shot
It's the perfect beverage pairing to watch someone whose mind ceases to exist.
Sip sangria throughout the entire intro
If you laugh while doing so, you immediately lose.
During every SUR Photoshoot, shotgun a beer
While you're doing this, ponder one thing: Do the SUR staff get overtime for activities like this?
Whenever Scheana reminds us of her popstar pipe dreams, down a Mike's Hard
Dancing in your coffee table while doing so is optional.
When the cast fights in the back room while their patrons become rapidly disgruntled, sip your vodka soda
That tuna tartare for table 16 can wait for me to toss my drink in your face.
When someone cries, you imbibe
Tears in your margarita are basically the same as salt.
Every time Lisa pretends to be interested in the servers' personal lives, gulp some Rose
She's got better things to do than to mediate an argument about who drunkenly made out with a gogo-dancer at the Golden Nugget. You know, like pet Giggy.
Lastly, every time they drink, you drink
Bottoms up, kids. It's sure to be one hell of a season.