In the words of Maria from The Sound of Music, "I have confidence in sunshine, I have confidence in wine." At least I'm pretty sure that's how the song goes; it's been awhile. Regardless, this declaration shouldn't come as too much of a shock, since we know that wine is already prolifically amazing for a multitude of reasons: for instance, a glass of red wine might equal the equivalent of exercising for an hour, and having a back-up bottle of it at all times may spare you from a lifetime of wine-less regret. Plus, society has finally reached a point of sophistication that you can pair wines with your favorite Halloween candies, the biggest game-changer since the Beyonce's birth.
But one of the best benefits of wine is that it loosens you up just enough that you can feel invincible without being stupid. Even the bravest among us need an extra boost every now and then, and it's been scientifically proven that even thinking you've had wine makes you a more confident person (why anybody would ever trick another human being into thinking they were drinking wine is beyond me, but do what you gotta do, science.) If you haven't experienced all of these wine-induced boosters before, then just trust me — the next time you have a glass, you will undoubtedly feel more confident about all of the following:
Speaking Foreign Languages
This goes for everyone, not just the kids who learned Spanish and French in school. After more than a glass, I'm fairly confident in my ability to speak Elvish. Hell, I'll make up my own language and call it Wine-ish.
Getting Your Flirt On
Oh, hello there everybody in the room. Suddenly you're the suave, witty, spontaneous Barney Stinson clone that you always knew you could be. Nobody intimidates you anymore. Not even that fella over there, with the hella good hair and I promise I'll stop quoting Taylor Swift. Someday.
Your Ability to "Pull Something Off"
There are several pieces in my closet that I only own because of the existence of wine, including an entirely gold sequin blazer and a pair of extremely teal cowboy boots (which I reserve are much cuter than Ted's.) Pulling. It. Off.
Your Dance Floor Skills
I am a terrible dancer. Like, I say that, and people's first reaction is "Oh, that's cute, she thinks she can't dance," and their second reaction is, "Please, for the love of God, stop before you physically harm more human beings." That being said, I still LOVE to dance. And after a few glasses of wine I get better at it. (I think.)
Matchmaking Among Your Friends
Who needs Tinder? You're a one-woman matchmaking machine. Wine has now endowed you with a sixth sense for which of your friends really need to make out with each other, right now.
This confidence is not unfounded! A recent study said that people who drink a glass of wine every day have significantly improved short-term memory, based on research on a compound called resveratrol that is found in red wine. Drink enough wine and you'll never lose your keys again!
Creating Pinterest Masterpieces
Maybe it's just me, but after a glass or two of wine I forget that every DIY attempt I've ever made in the past has deeply betrayed me, and become very certain that this is the time I'll finally get the layered rainbow cake right. (Spoiler: It isn't. BUT it'll still taste delicious.)
Your Ability To Digest Cheese
I cannot have wine and not eat cheese. It is a physical limitation that my body set from pretty much the first time wine ever touched my lips. And after I've had a few glasses, my ambitions only get higher. My apologies to everyone in the cheese aisle of the Whole Foods, because there is nothing left.
Talking In An Irish Accent
Or a Scottish accent, or a French accent, or pretty much any accent that you normally suck at but now, surprisingly, your tongue is JUST loose enough to succeed in. Might as well whip out your resume and put all sixteen of your new accents under "special skills".
Making Intelligent Comments About Art
Or anything, really. You just became the Aristotle of this party. Everything that comes out of your mouth is gold.
Harmonizing To The Radio
You're just waiting for Justin Timberlake's "Mirrors" to come on because you're pretty sure you can sing all twelve million of Justin's parts at the same time.
Writing Cover Letters
Oh, fellow wine drinkers, I remind us of this one with caution. I WILL say that after a few glasses I once wrote a two-page cupcake manifesto that got me an interview offer from Sprinkles the next morning. But, you know, sleep on your cover letters. Just in case.
Getting Ahead On Your Christmas Shopping
I don't know what it is about drinking a glass of wine that suddenly inspires this pseudo-responsibility of online shopping six months in advance, but once I start, I'm on a roll. Thank you, wine. If it weren't for you I'd have to go find parking at the mall on Christmas Eve and no part of me is ready to endure that.
Your Life Goals
All those crazy dreams you usually dismiss during the day you are now rabidly discussing with anyone who will listen. You're going to be a rock star. On Mars. With all seventeen of your future children (suck it, Brangelina.)
Images: Fox; Giphy(12)