13 Things Every Formerly Boy-Crazy Girl Did Before She Grew Up And Learned Better
Up until my junior year of college, I was tremendously boy crazed, and not in an endearing Mindy Lahiri way. I don’t even know if we have a fictional equivalent of what I was because it would have been too sad to watch. I really, really liked dudes, and I romanticized the idea of having a boyfriend so often, that it became just that: a romanticized idea of having a boyfriend. My expectations about guys were both all-consuming and not even remotely based in reality. I would walk into a party, see a guy in a flannel t-shirt with a cigarette behind his ear, and I would tell myself and my crazed heart that I was in love, and my goal of the night would be to kiss that guy in the flannel shirt before he walked out of my life forever and into the arms of someone not as devoted as I.
Clearly, It was totally insane. My hormones were out of control, or at least that's what I like to attribute it to, being that I was a teenager, but still, that's not an entirely valid excuse since a great many women make it through high-hormone years without being as tragically boy crazy as I was. Worst of all, was that as soon as the guy of my twisted dreams did come around and decide to ask me on a date, I dropped him like he was infected with something terrible and contagious. Not only was I boy crazy, but I was fickle. I had no idea what I actually wanted. This lasted until I was 20, which was when I met my now-fiancé. I snapped out of whatever idea about relationships I had, and decided to pursue a less tumultuous love life.
Because that's the thing about girls who are boy crazy: We grow out of it, learn what we want, get smart about finding it, and generally end up insanely happy in healthy relationships. But before that happens, these scenarios of boy craziness rang true for me and I'm certain I'm not alone:
1. The first thing you did when you walked into British Lit class was check to see if there are any hot bookish dudes
The specifics of this will be different for every formerly boy-crazy person, depending on what kind of boys you were into, but the point is the same: anyone who looked the part of our perfect dreamboat was a possible Love Of Life candidate – and we never missed an opportunity to look. For me, I found English major guys to be really hot. They could also be creepy and entitled, so I had to be careful. The first day of class, I always watched out for clever band t-shirts, sneakers that were clearly worn (there is nothing less attractive than a pair of brand new sneakers), and floppy hair (which was a must for me back then.) Once I pinpointed who I was going to fall in love with, I would try to accidentally sit by them. This was where I would say something clever (albeit rehearsed) about their t-shirt.
2. You were forever “in love” with somebody
Being in love was an innate feeling. Your life felt incomplete without it. If you weren’t in love, what would fill in that loveless void (besides pizza, obviously)? What else would encourage you to obsess and endlessly Facebook stalk?
3. Even though the object of your affections changed on a weekly basis
It was okay to be in love with more than one person. We are complex creatures, after all.
4. You fanaticized about marrying your barista
Maybe you two would open up a café together. You would manage the business aspect (obviously), and he would run front of the house. Your café would be known as That One Café Owned By That Cute Couple. (To be fair, this is a crush that will persist for most of you life, but in a more passive way. Back in your boy crazy days, it was a bit more obsessive.)
5. And that cute guy who worked at the record store
Getting married to a guy who really, really appreciated music would mean constantly going to shows and probably meeting musicians. It would be like Almost Famous but without the overdosing part.
6. And your waiter
You two would never make enough money to live in a huge house, but who cares! House, shmouse. Your infinite, undying love would be all that you two need.
7. You were not above thinking, “Well, if we just get really drunk together, we will totally make out.”
Look, when people drink, they’re more likely to want to make out (always make sure it’s consensual. It’s obviously never okay to just assume this and pounce on someone like an animal). It's not like your boy craziness made you think you had to get drunk in order to be appealing to the guys you wanted, or to make them appealing to you, or to (ugh, gross) lower anyone's defenses. It wasn't like that. You just really, truly believed that you were one good, drunk, soul-baring conversation away from realizing you were Made For Each Other.
8. Also not being above pretending to like something your crush liked
For awhile, I tried REALLY hard to get into Toro y Moi and Dan Deacon to get this one dude to notice me, but you know what? People can sense the lack of ingenuity. They smell faker. This pretending never actually worked, and even if it did, you would just wind up regretting pretending to like something for a guy. Because ultimately it just makes you feel gross inside.
9. You purposely over-referenced things the guy of your dreams would appreciate
I really liked Radiohead, and I knew this guy I was interested in liked Radiohead too. So I would talk about Radiohead every single time I saw him. Retrospectively, this probably came off as annoying. And desperate. Talking about Kid A’s thinly veiled sociopolitical ideology five minutes into a conversation is never something that happens organically.
10. You showed up to events you thought would attract many a hot male
Modest Mouse concerts, Jonathan Franzen book readings, strip clubs (JK, ew). You plotted ways you could meet the love of your life, even if meeting him took some orchestrating.
11. You thought about transferring to a college with more guys
I went to a college with 65% girls and at least 15% homosexual males. College was not kind to my raging hormones. I really did think about transferring to UCLA, but then got lazy. And met my fiancé. *Alanis Morissette’s “Ironic” plays in the background*
12. Really relating to Gigi from He’s Just Not That Into You on a very spiritual level
That sad girl! That stupid movie! But a part of all of us boy-crazy gals knew that our antics were a little out of control. We needed to keep our cool, and that just wasn’t happening. Kelly Kapoor from The Office was another soul sister of yours. She understood the measures it took to get your man. She understood.
13. Feeling melodramatically sad when a guy doesn’t text you
Convinced we would die alone and be fed upon by our pet cat, some days were a little rough. We shuddered at the thought of creating a Match.com profile. Or pathetically asking a friend to set us up with someone. Or waiting for our moms to intervene with their work colleague’s “very nice and SINGLE son.” We just wanted real, true love. Even if it wasn't real, or true. (We eventually figured out how to have those things though because growing up can be the greatest.)
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