Out of all of the days of the week, only one is so bleak, so black of heart, so utterly devoid of any kind of hope, that it gets its own nickname. That day is Wednesday, and that cursed, cursed nickname is, of course, "Hump Day." There are a lot of problems with "Hump Day": It's gross to say, awkward to hear, and gives your most irritating coworkers the extra motivation that they need to send you some kind of e-card with a sassy camel on it. It's trouble.
But the worst of Hump Day's offenses might be its promise of false hope. There's something so perky about the idea of a "hump day"— a perkiness that is inevitably crushed by the reality of Wednesday, a day that features no humpings of any variety. The only thing that Wednesday reliably features is you, muttering "Is it really only Wednesday?" to several different people, in hopes that one of them will eventually tell you it's actually Friday. Calling Wednesday "Hump Day" is like one of those self-improvement exercises where you smile into a mirror and it's supposed to make you feel happier, but instead, makes you cancel all your evening plans and start looking into graduate school programs in France.
You deserve better than all this false hope, and all these humpings that never seem to materialize. Why not give Wednesday a nickname that is not only truer to the essence of the day, but maybe even helps you get through it? Because even a series of low-pitched, rhythmic, monosyllabic grunts would still be a better nickname than "Hump Day." Here are seven new nicknames for everyone's favorite (not) day.
'IT'S THURSDAY SOMEWHERE' DAY
Far across the world, right this very second, there are people who have already dealt with Wednesday, and are now rolling into the sweet relief of Thursday. Think about those people hard enough, and their carefree Thursday lives, and it's almost like you're there. You've journeyed through space and time, and have skipped Wednesday entirely, joining them on the gleaming, joyful shores of Thursday. How is it over there? Have they solved all of society's ills yet? Are there hovercrafts?
T.G.I.D.G.D. (Thank God It's Dog Gif Day)
Dog GIFs, when applied directly to the eyeball every 30-90 minutes, offer some of the most powerful Wednesday relief available without a prescription. Tragically, many Wednesday sufferers don't even know that dog GIFs exist, or that they can help you kill most of your workday while also making you look at least a little busy. Help create dog GIF awareness in your own community by getting the word out about this new nickname.
This genius term, actually used in Finland, Sweden, and Norway, deals with the unbearable darkness of Wednesday by simply pretending that it's a different day — a day when you're allowed to get hammered. I can't guarantee that calling Wednesday "Little Saturday" will result in us all getting socialized health care and a year of paid maternity leave, but we can give it a shot, right?
Honor the feeling of living death that Wednesday creates inside you by using this day to pay tribute to America's favorite tweenage goth princess. As an added bonus, practicing her dead-eyed stare might be exactly the thing you need to scare those "hump day"-loving coworkers of yours off for good.
Why not be upfront about the only thing that's helping you hold it together today? Be honest: The promise of a cold, frosty beer at 5 o'clock is the only reason you haven't set your phone to voicemail and just crawled inside the weird industrial closet behind the photocopier, waiting for Wednesday to release you from its monstrous grip. Keep your eyes on the prize (and your body out of the copier closet) by reminding yourself of that cold one waiting for you at the end of this useless middle child of a day.
THE ARTIST FORMERLY KNOWN AS HUMP DAY
Wednesday is aware that it has an image problem. Like Prince, this day has a lot of baggage that it's trying to move away from, in an attempt to rebrand for a new generation (Wednesday also has a very restrictive recording contract that it's trying to find a way out of, and thinks the name change might help in court). Let's respect Wednesday the same way we respected the pop genius behind "Little Red Corvette" — by letting it start fresh with an awkward new name, a new sound, and some back-up dancers who appear to be wearing...what are those, elbow pads? Sure, Wednesday. Whatever you want.
Wednesday is the bra that's chafing the underside of your boob, but that you have to wear because you haven't done laundry. Wednesday is the yoga class where the person in front of you keeps sticking their foot into your face, even after you politely asked them to stop. Wednesday is Gwyneth Paltrow inviting you over to her house for nachos, but when you get there, just handing you some cucumbers.
So let's stop beating around the bush and call a Wednesday what it is: garbage. Coming out and admitting that Wednesday is everyone's worst day will give coworkers something to commiserate about, morning DJs something to sing parody songs about, and bars something new to theme drink specials around ("Every Worstday, Enjoy Half Off Our Worst Cocktails! This week's special: Sweet vermouth and Worcestershire sauce!"). Everybody wins! Except, actually, nobody wins.
Images: Orion Pictures; Giphy (8)