The only thing messier than the state of most millennial's work prospects and personal lives is the sheer panic of advertisers and media scrambling to understand us. I feel like in recent years especially, we've been put under a microscope: Everything from our management prospects to our dating habits to our sex lives is being scrutinized, and just in case we weren't already feeling a bit knocked down now that we're the generation facing the highest unemployment in history, the older generations are also finding all sorts of ways to insult us. I'm sure by now every millennial has seen at least one of the 1.2 bajillion op-eds attacking our generation (and another bajillion counter-attacking them). In the meantime, we're still floundering in the confusion of our post-graduate lives, trying to figure out just how to get everyone to stop hating on us.
Well, I don't have any viable solutions to our problems, fellow millennials, except to keep moving full speed ahead. But I will offer some inadvisable advice on how to throw off the game of everyone who is trying to dissect us. Don't make it easy for them, guys! Be a bad millennial! Be so bad at being a millennial that you freak out other millennial! Be such a bad millennial that you start doing all of these things:
Take Spectacularly Awful Selfies
And I mean awful. Take selfies so terrible that you're in one small corner of the frame, selfies so bad that people just assume you took the picture by accident. We're always getting ragged on for the selfies that actually make us look good, so let's twist the game around. Now you're just going to have a bunch of ugly pictures of me floating around on the interwebs. Happy now?
Fail At Social Media – Hard
Start doing all the awkward things the older generation does, like accidentally making private messages your statuses, or tweeting your dick pics in full view of the entire nation, or making your first post on a new social media site, "I don't really know what this is, but everyone else seems to have one." Neglect these accounts for months and then pop up every now and then to leave a flurry of bizarre comments and pep talks on the walls of people you haven't actually seen in years. The only way to dispel all the clichés about millennials and social media is to leave a trail of confusion wherever you go.
Never Drink Coffee Again
And certainly don't even think about taking a picture of it. The other generations are onto us, millennials. They know that we drink caffeine and that we do it regularly. The only way to throw them off our scent is to cut ourselves off cold turkey and watch all the stocks of Starbucks burn to the ground. Think you have us figured out now? Huh??
Talk Exclusively About Other People
Talk about other people so much that people start to become concerned that you're actually talking about yourself, in the third person. "Peggy loves her job. Peggy walked her dog this morning! Peggy really loves the rain, it's too bad we've had so much sun this week." Talk about other people so much that your own independent thoughts and dreams simply cease to exist. Not only will everyone be super confused, but they'll never call us the "me, me, me" generation again.
Start Telling People You're "Over" Jennifer Lawrence
You've never been able to relate to her adoration of pizza or lovably awkward personality. Who even is this person? In fact, while you're at it, abandon all your sound-minded idols you used to seek comfort and advice from. Your new favorite celebrity is your neighbor's dog.
Just Stop Making Mistakes (Duh)
Oy, it's so millennial to make decisions and not get them exactly right the very first time. Break the pattern. Just stop making mistakes. In fact, don't move. Or move? Not moving might also be a mistake. OK, let's try not to panic, maybe this is a game we've already lost.
Sell Out And Get A Corporate Job
HA. They thought you were going to follow your dreams, work hard to achieve your lifelong goals and end up satisfied with your choice to risk making less money for the sake of your own happiness? Think again. The more millennials that start selling out in droves, the more befuddled the other generations will become with us. What will millennials do next? Buy starter homes? Invest in our futures?? The ride will get wilder and more unpredictable every second.
Disavow Yoga Pants
Millennials get so much flack for bringing yoga pants into style beyond the mat, which I guess is somehow terribly offense to the other generations because they didn't think of how comfortable and convenient a spandex waistband was first. From now on? No pants. Just literally stop wearing pants. They'll never peg you as a typical millennial again (partially because you'll probably be in jail for never wearing pants).
Become Ridiculously Unprogressive
Project unrealistic female body standards. Promote unfair discrimination in the work place. You all thought we were going to be the generation to change the world for the better? Psych! We're trading in all our enlightened social views and steadily promising to set progress as far back as we possibly can. What now, baby boomers?
Have A Sense Of Fulfillment And Life Purpose
Know exactly what you want to do for the rest of your life and make this decision confidently and quickly, preferably within three heartbeats of getting your college diploma. Never consider longterm consequences. Never explore other options. What could possibly go wrong?
Stop Reading Humorous Web Articles
Ugh, you read this article all the way to the end? You're such a millennial. Just forget it. There's no hope of throwing them off our trail now.
Images: Getty Images; Giphy (11)