I would like to say, first and foremost, although I am going to brutally describe the types of hangovers people have in college, this is a judgment-free zone. We've all been there. Whether it's the very first time you've experienced a hangover or you're a four-year seasoned hangover veteran, at one point or another, any person who has partied in college has woken up and experienced those dreaded first few seconds of cracking their eyes open and realizing that they deserve every one of the terrors their body is about to unleash.
Thankfully, like all the partiers who came before us, we've learned, over time, to adapt. College students have so many impressive methods to prevent and deal with their hangovers that if Trader Joe's ever does go bankrupt and it triggers an apocalypse, I know that I'll be more than prepared to face whatever the post-disaster world can throw at me. But while we're waiting for science to finish curing terminal diseases and solving world hunger so they can finally have time to figure out how to prevent hangovers for good, it's important to remember, even in the years after college, the types of hangovers that you have faced and are at risk of facing again, ranked in according to severity:
The Should Be There But Somehow Isn't Hangover
Good morning, sunshine! The universe granted you a free pass. The proper etiquette here was to fist bump your liver for being a bro and then go celebrate with a mimosa.
The Barely There Hangover
This was a frequent guest on Friday mornings, after starting the weekend a little too early on Thursday night, resulting in waking up with an eyeball headache. You'd skip your first class and carry on. Because you were a champion.
The "Nothing Will Fix This Except Bacon" Hangover
When the delicate ecosystem of your stomach was severely disrupted and the only thing that would return it back to its natural state was bacon, hash browns, eggs or a mix of all three. This kind of hangover was the reason the university commissioned all those dining halls in the first place, right?
The Still A Little Bit Drunk Hangover
There was no disappointment in college quite as steep as waking up and thinking that you avoided all the consequences of last night's shenanigans only to discover several hours later that you were, in fact, doomed. You only felt fine earlier that morning because you were still kinda wasted.
The "I Will Be Avenged" Hangover
The unique situation in which a friend of yours dragged you out against your will, and then they woke up trilling like a Disney Princess while you woke up feeling like you'd been whopped in the head by the hammer of Thor. IT WASN'T EVEN YOUR IDEA. YOU DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO GO. YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS STRUGGLE.
The Blackout Hangover
You may not have totally remembered what happened the night before, but sometimes ignorance is bliss.
The "I Wish I'd Blacked Out" Hangover
Oh, you do remember what happened the night before. You all remember. If you were lucky, none of your friends made fun of you for jumping up on the coach, pointing at your S.O. and screaming love declarations à la Tom Cruise. If you were unlucky, you were me.
The Bargaining With God Hangover
I'll never do this again, you told yourself, If only I can get through today in one piece. It was never true. As soon as you were in one piece again, that piece was getting drunk.
The "I'm Too Old For This Sh*t" Hangover
Sometime around senior year you had a glimpse into what the rest of your life was going to be like, and it was a bit bleak.
The Existential Crisis Hangover
The physical agony was nothing compared to the tortured monologue rattling in your head, making you question your every life choice. What were you even doing with yourself? What was going to happen to you after graduation? Why did you major in psychology?!
The Apocalypse Hangover
Agony. Head. Stomach. Everything. Nothing. Why? Anybody who disturbed you in the throes of this condition was the worst kind of human being. All you could do was lay there and wait for tomorrow to come.
Images: HBO; Giphy(11)
