I already know what you're going to say. "But, Kadeen, there are already books about Bey, aren't there? How is this new or different?" Sit down, peasants, and let me school you. Between 2013 and 2014, Beyoncé launched a massive takeover of the world. It happened so gradually that you didn't notice until it was already too late. Did it begin when Beyoncé released a surprise album with no fanfare that broke iTunes with the amount of people who tried to download it at once? Did it begin all the way back when Blue Ivy was born? Should we even look further back to the release of "Run the World (Girls)"? Whatever the catalyst, Beyoncé has gone from performer to goddess. And now J. Randy Taraborrelli is writing a Beyoncé biography after she has achieved godhood, set to be released in 2015. That's what makes this such a big deal.
"Beyoncé has lived a most incredible, inspiring life," said Taraborrelli in a statement. "I know my readers will enjoy her journey." Listen, there's a reason that Harvard is teaching a course on Beyoncé and how she does Beyoncé. There's a reason that everyone remembers Beyoncé's performance at the 2014 MTV VMas more than they remember the actual 2014 MTV VMAs. It's because the Beyhive has reached a fever pitch to the point that you practically can't hear anything else over all that buzzing. But if Taraborrelli truly wants to give her a biography that explores "all facets of [Beyoncé's] life", then here's some things he absolutely cannot leave out.
There are a lot of options that he has here. He could call it The Beygency or The Beyhive, but I suppose that's more about us than it is about her. Then again, Beyoncé has no official affiliation with the biography at all since it will instead be composed of interviews with people "who have been pivotal to her personal and professional development", so those titles would be super appropriate. And probably cause a lot less controversy than calling it Beysus or The Divine Beyoncé.
Let's talk content. I mean, there's so much of Beyoncé's life over the last year alone that needs to be covered. Do we even need to get into her childhood? We know all about that. What about Elevatorgate? The Jay Z divorce rumors? The making of the song Blue, from the Beyoncé album? The On the Run tour? Being named Time's Most Influential? Becoming an actual saint? To be honest, the last year alone is full of enough content to fill an entire book.
Something interesting to consider including in the book would be to have everyone whose testimony contributes to the book write a personal essay about some meeting with Beyoncé or some trait of Beyoncé's that changed their life. The actual biography could take up the first half of the book and the second half of the book could be personal essays about what a goddess Beyoncé is, even when she's not being perfect. I volunteer as tribute to write one myself. I will call it "From Performer to Goddess: The Beyoncé Story".
I mean, this is just a given. Beyoncé's Instagram and website are like a photo album that she's sharing with the world. Having glossy print-outs of those photos that I can rip out of the book and put on my wall would be beyond cool. Of course, I'll also take some rare and never-before-seen pictures as well. I'm not picky here, as long as I get to look at Beyoncé. If you'll excuse me, I'll be over there. Call me when it's 2015.
Image: Getty Images; Giphy