22 People You Should Delete From Facebook Today

There is no time for any of these people. Just unfriend and be done with them immediately.

1. The racist/sexist/homophobic extended relatives that you keep on out of a sense of guilt, and with whom you used to try and have civilized discussions, but whose presence in your feed and on your statuses is a constant source of shame and exhaustion.
2. Old employers. (Why did you even add them in the first place? What was the best-case scenario in that decision?)
3. Struggling actors whom you barely know, and who post constant humblebraggy statuses about how #fortunate they are to be working on such an #important project with so many people they #respect.
4. People you dated for a few weeks or a month several years ago. It would have been final and sort of cruel to delete them then, but I think you can delete them now.
5. People you dated in a more serious way, but whom you have not spoken to since the breakup, and who are now married. I think you can let that friendship go.
6. Hot messes that you only keep around to watch the struggle bus life updates that they post, or their terribly cropped and edited profile photos.
7. People you hated in high school, who you now keep around in a strange desire to make sure their lives end up being mediocre, and who you're pretty sure do the same for you.
8. Incredibly successful people you barely know who only serve to make you feel bad about yourself by posting statuses about their luxuruious travel plans for their impromptu vacation. (You aren't doing yourself any good by exposing yourself to repeated "NYC>LA>JAP>RUS>FRA>NYC. Going to be crazy! #nosleeptilbrooklyn" status updates.)
9. Self-promoters you barely know who consistently invite you to events hundreds of miles from where you live, and hundreds of ideological miles from your centers of interest.
10. Any relatives of exes, if you have them around still. (Shudder.)
11. "Burning Man Guy"
12. Guy who feels obligated to play devil's advocate on articles you post about any sort of social issue.
13. Guy who leaves awkwardly thirsty comments on your profile pictures, no matter how many times you refuse to acknowledge them with even a "like".
14. Extended relatives who feel the need to drop in every so often to remind you that you are still single/underemployed/less successful than their children, via passive-aggressive comments on your various postings. (If you can't delete these people outright, you can at least limit what they can see.)
15. Friends of your parents who don't seem to know what they're doing there.
16. Couples who cannot post anything outside of things that are happening in their relationships, photos of themselves, or unwanted information about their upcoming nuptuals. (Unless you are going to the wedding, in which case you are basically condemned to tacitly supporting their antics.)
17. Guy who posts conspiracy theory articles and memes from websites of questionable repute.
18. Vegan who can't function unless they are being condescending to the Facebook community at large about their veganism, or, in some cases, holistic medicine.
19. Incredibly combative conservative acquaintance who has managed to stay in your friends since high school, despite moving further and further to the "I probably seek out Glenn Beck's podcast side of the political spectrum."
20. Attractive acquaintance who posts several photos of themselves a day, in various stages of amateur modeling, I assume to remind everyone that they are still attractive.
21. Old coworkers you never liked in the first place.
22. Anyone who is trying to get their band off the ground, and will use all Facebook means at their disposal to do so. Unless you are bound to them by blood or profound friendship, in which case, sorry. :(

Image: Flickr/mkhmarketing