I've heard tell of a fictional world somewhere called Saturday-land where people get up before noon on the weekend and engage in fabled activities like bill paying, exercising, and sock drawer organizing. A few of my friends have been there before. They return feeling rejuvenated and accomplished and, let's be honest, a little bit smug. But the bus to Saturday-land waits for no man, and especially does not wait for anyone who is still in their pajamas at lunch time. In other words, the bus to Saturday-land never waits for me. I am incapable of being productive on a Saturday.
In my defense, I am very productive on weekdays. Monday through Friday, I have my days on lock with more precision than a Spider-Man villain memorizing the guards' schedules to break out of prison. I even make lengthy lists of things I need to accomplish because checking things off makes me feel super important, even if that thing was "take shower" (you're welcome, world.) But on Saturdays, I unravel and become less than half of the human that I usually am. You would think after five days of rigor that there might be one responsible bone left in my body, but alas, there is only the shell of me, and that shell just really, really wants to sleep until Monday comes. Behold, the stages of attempting to be productive on a Saturday:
Accidental Alarm Clock Moment
Silly you! You forgot to turn your alarm clock off last night. And this is a blessing in disguise, because now that you're awake, the whole world is at your disposal. Maybe today is the day you finally tweeze your unibrow.
...But Falling Back Asleep
Pfft, 7AM is a totally unreasonable time to get up anyway. Why is that even a number on the clock?
Deciding To Exercise
HELL YEAH, I have all the time in the world. I'll have biceps like Michelle Obama by lunch.
...But Realizing Your Socks Are All The Way On The Other Side Of The Room
Oh, well. You gave it your all.
Finally Sloughing It Into The Shower
Personal hygiene trumps everything. Obviously you can't get anything done until you smell like vanilla coconut beach waves body wash.
...But Somehow Ending Up Back In Your Pajamas
It's Saturday – You can wear anything you want and the pressure is just too intense. Nobody can blame you for wanting to wear flannel while you figure it out.
Opening Your Computer To Google Something Responsible
"How to get refund on things I ordered online while drunk" or "How to get chocolate stains out of bra".
...But Realizing The Tab Was Already Set To Netflix
And how can you resist refreshing the page when there are so many episodes of Gilmore Girls that demand your attention? You'll just watch it...for a second...or two...
Finally Leaving Your Bedroom
Hello, humans/animals/life-size cut out of Troy from High School Musical you perched at the front door to keep robbers away (nobody fucks with 16-year-old Zac Efron.)
...But Then Heading Right Over To The Couch
What? I'm sure productive things can happen on the couch. Sometimes.
Deciding To Make A Healthy Breakfast
Yogurt and fruit. Quinoa and avocados. Something with egg whites. And then I'm gonna Instagram this and pretend I ate it five hours ago when it was actually breakfast time.
...But Then Realizing The Fridge Is Empty And Eat A Pop-Tart Instead
Or several pop-tarts. It's Saturday! Nutrition isn't a real thing.
Resolving To, At The Very Least, Go Check The Mail
That's right. You're going to physically move your person. Outside.
Someone Subtly Hinting That You Should Maybe Do Something Today
Excuse you, but I don't know if you noticed, I did plenty of things just now. I stalked like three hot actors on Tumblr. Three.
...But Realizing Only Warm Place In The House Is The Couch
You've just reached equilibrium. If you move now it might be entire minutes before this coach gets as cozy again.
Having A Burst Of Inspiration
It's not too late to turn this day around. You're gonna mail that package! You're gonna cancel that subscription to Nutribox before the free trial ends! You're going to seize life by the horns!
...But The Day Is Over And It's Time To Sleep Again
Oh, well. Better luck next week.
Images: Fox; Giphy (18)