How to Eat Halloween Candy Like a Boss, Following These 8 Rules from 'Willy Wonka'
You may wake up on Nov. 1 and wonder when and how you became the ruler of Candy Land. That's the only possible explanation for the mounds upon mounds of sugary confections waiting for you in your kitchen, right? Erm, nope. A solid assumption, but you're not actually the new Queen Frostine/King Kandy. You celebrated Halloween. That's all. And this is the aftermath. Whether it be because you went trick-or-treating, dumped that salad bowl of Kit Kats that'd been set out at a costume party into your purse, or simply ended up with a bunch of leftovers because less kids rang your doorbell than you’d anticipated, you may have more sweets than you know what to do with. Actually, I take that back. You know what to do with that candy. You grub it, duh. But how you grub it can make all the difference. Why don't we turn to renowned candy expert Willy Wonka for proper Halloween candy consumption advice?
"I don't need tips on how to eat candy," you may reply. "I got this. Leave me be."
Sure, sure. But a refresher never hurt! So, let us consult 1971 film Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory for some timeless tips.
The Art Of Eating Candy According to Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory
If A Piece Of Candy Is Too Hard To Bite Into, Slam It Against A Rock
I mean, you don't have to break up the candy into manageable pieces. You could always just chomp down onto the piece candy with reckless abandon. And, ya know, potentially break all of your teeth.
A sugar rush + dehydration = a special kind of hell. Bonus points if the cup is eatable.
Get Creative With How You Eat Candy
Keep things exciting!
Otherwise, you may fall into a chocolate river and then get sucked up into a giant tube.
Chew With Your Mouth Wide Open
Candy tastes better that way, duh.
Describe Every Piece of Candy As You Eat It
Don't go through the motions. Really appreciate the intricacies of everything you're ingesting. Try to pick up on hints and notes you've never noticed before.
Candy Is Not Booze
If you eat enough candy, there's a chance you'll convince yourself you're literally drunk. You're not literally drunk. (Well, I suppose if you ingest enough of those little liqueur chocolates, you might catch a buzz?)
...But Candy Hangovers Are Real
Don't underestimate sugar, my friend. It'll get ya.