Taylor Swift's Birthday Message to Lorde Reveals Her Greatest Secret, But We All Kind Of Knew Already
Listen, I love Lorde. I might not have loved Lorde's latest music video, the one that went along with her Mockingjay single "Yellow Flicker Beat", but I loved the song and I love the artist and I'll probably love the movie. However, because I love Lorde, I'm also convinced she's probably a vampire. No, I'm not stereotyping her based on the fact that she wears so much black. I'm stereotyping her based on the fact that she just turned 18 on Friday and yet she's already richer and more mature than any of us could ever hope to be. Everyone knows "wisdom beyond your years" is just another way to say vampire. (If you didn't know that, now you know.) So when Taylor Swift wished Lorde a happy birthday with an Instagram message that confirmed what I had always suspected, I jumped up in front of my computer and shouted, "HA!"
If anyone would know whether or not Lorde is a celebrity vampire who will look exactly the same when she's in her 30s as she does now (I'm looking at you, Beyoncé), then it would definitely be Swift. Their friendship might seem odd from the outside looking in, but they are united in the fact that they both have pretty old souls. After all, Swift is a 24 year old cat lady and Lorde, apparently, is 300 years old if this Instagram post is to be believed.
And why wouldn't I believe it? There have been numerous times in the past where Lorde has totally proven that she is not only way older than her birth certificate would suggest, but also that she has all the secrets to the universe. Lest we forget...
I don't know about you, but from the moment "Royals" came out I was convinced that here was finally a musical artist that understood me and my struggle. Lorde capitalized on that market of teens who couldn't do more than dream of ever seeing a diamond closer than in a store window as they passed by on their way to somewhere more expensive and all of her other songs just reveal other insights into aspects of life that many artists just completely passed over. You know why? Because Lorde has all the secrets to the universe.
A clear sign that you are more mature than your birth certificate gives you credit for is having friends who are a lot older than you. At 25 years old, Swift is six years older than Lorde in age and yet they get along like peers and equals who go to the beach together and drink juice together and probably giggle about cats and reality TV together. You know, as celebrity vampires do.
When's the last time you can remember wanting a 17 year old to curate an entire movie soundtrack for you? I'm willing to bet never, even if you had a movie with a soundtrack that needed curating. I believe that the real reason that Lorde was given the job was because she has the talent, wisdom, and experience of a 300 year old vampire who feeds on feverish concert excitement instead of blood.
What were you doing when you were 12 years old? If you said "being in sixth grade and wishing I could stay home from school", then you and I have a lot in common. But if you were Lorde, and thus a celebrity vampire, you were doing a cover of "Use Somebody" at the Battle of the Bands, because when you've lived as long as Lorde has you don't need to wait for your career to get started. Or to go to school.
If you need further evidence that Lorde is secretly older than we think she is, look no further than her confirmation tweet in response to Swift's birthday message.
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