Why, Fergie, Why?

When Fergie announced her return to music in September after an eight year hiatus, it honestly didn’t feel like she’d been away that long. Watching her new video for "L.A. LOVE (la la)" drives home that point even more. The five minute and ten second long visual ode to L.A. makes it clear that Fergie has no problem picking up where she left off. It incorporates the themes of Fergie's best solo videos from her days as The Dutchess complete with feverish posterior movement, micro-skirts and other skimpy outfits — not to mention enough busy imagery to completely overload the senses.

Seriously, this video is probably one of the most scattered, out-of-control visuals Fergie's released to date. In my non-medical professional opinion, absolutely no one should watch it without wearing a pair of shades that protect against UV rays. Even so, prepare to have your eyes feel like they've been exposed to sunlight and their pupils have been dilated.

Don't get me wrong — I absolutely love Fergie and her style of music. While I tend to agree that the song is basically her just Fergie naming a bunch of cities accompanied by more of her "Dutchess" brand of lyrical gibberish, it's a fun, upbeat tune that definitely deserves a video that reflects its energy. Unfortunately, the result is just a bit much, even for Fergie.

Here's why.

The way-too-close butt shots.

Before the video is even 20 seconds in, there are three close-up images of Fergie's backside. Can you guess which one is entirely too close? Some would say that with videos like Nicki Minaj's "Anaconda," or J. Lo & Iggy Azalea's "Booty," this type of imagery shouldn't be a big deal, but it is a big deal when pushing my chair back from the computer screen proves pointless. Feel free to back it up Fergie, but in the other direction.

This happens during the chorus for the cities Fergie mentions in the song.

As Fergie raps, "Every city, every state, every country you know... this is how it goes." That pretty much sums it up.

This scene.

The first thing that grabs my attention is Fergie's huge blonde ponytail extension. Then my eyes drift to the random guy on the right and back to Fergie and... wait, why is she wearing a swimsuit underneath a flannel shirt? These thoughts are followed by more brain confusion.

Fergie's dance scene is ruined.

I love to see Fergie absolutely kill an eight count, but the green screen explosion in the background makes it difficult to focus on the choreography.

Chelsea Handler shows up with a baby.

Handler makes an appearance in the video along with a handful of other random celebrities, but let's discuss the baby. Something's clearly off with his face, but my eyes are too tired to investigate further. I'm just glad he's wearing shades. If this sounds like a lot, that's because it is. And yet there's definitely more to be seen. Watch the video for "L.A. LOVE (la la)" in its entirety below:

Images: FergieVEVO/YouTube