You have been hoping, wishing, and waiting for a way to revolutionize the way you communicate, and it is here. Last night, Conan on TBS premiered its parody infomercial for Nick Offerman’s wood emojis, which as you can probably imagine, are as hilariously rudimentary as they sound. "Hi, I’m Nick Offerman," the video opens, "You might know me from the hit show Parks and Recreation, and your spouse knows me from his or her sexual fantasies." (Fact.) "I think it’s time we got back to a more old-fashioned, more personal, more American mode of communication. And that’s why I’m proud to introduce my new line of hand-crafted, solid wood emojis." At this point we’re hooked, curious, and acutely aware of our own susceptibility to infomercials.
"Communicating with my solid wood emojis is just like using regular emojis but much, much harder," Offerman informs us. "They are about a foot in diameter, and weigh "in the neighborhood of 14 pounds." They are to be transported in a "large industrial sack" and manually nailed together in front of the person with whom you seek to pass your message, because of course that’s how that works. How might you use wood emojis in casual dialogue? Offerman suggests a great example would be to inform your loved ones and acquaintances that you’re sad your cat has pooped (invaluable).
View the full video below, and be the first among your friends to cop the hottest new form of information sharing.