So, you've just put your fork down, taken a deep breath, and proudly finished your Thanksgiving dinner. Well done, my friend. Well done. You've conquered a beast (or rather, purchased the meat of a former living beast and followed recipe instructions to make it taste savory and spectacular). It's still a pretty serious accomplishment, so pat yourself on the back. As you enter this victory lap, your post-Thanksgiving thoughts will be all over the place. Some will come from fear, and others will be entirely irrational. It's OK. This is how everyone digests their Turkey Day dinner.
The post-feast recovery period is a strange experience. You're guaranteed to have many emotional ups and downs, you'll pass through each of the five stages of grief, and ultimately, fall into a bloated tryptophan coma that will cause some odd dreams. I really hope you chose to sport some leggings or sweatpants, because you're probably uncomfortably full. This isn't a beauty contest, folks. This is Thanksgiving, and wardrobe comfort is key. Feeling stuffed to the point of being unable to move is the goal of this holiday, because this is 'Merica, and we prefer to celebrate in excess. Eat all the food and all the pie and drink all the booze and guess what? You win! We all win.
Here are the thoughts that everyone has after the best meal of the year is over. You are not alone. Start mentally preparing yourself now.
1. OK, wow. I'm never eating again.
Like, never ever again. I've had enough calories to last me until Christmas.
2. How do I make these pants one size bigger?
Can I cut a slit down the side of the waist without anyone noticing? Maybe I have an oversized hoodie in the trunk of my car.
3. Did this chair get smaller?
Am I losing my mind? Or am I just that bloated?
4. It's cool. I'll just hide behind this pillow.
It looks casual and I look cozy, and now I don't need to suck in. SCORE.
5. Is that my heart slowing down?
Why can I hear my heartbeat right now? Have I just never noticed it before? I feel like I would be able to notice. Is this what happens before a heart attack?
6. I wonder if there are any mashed potatoes left...
Hmm... I should go check. But ugh, I don't want to walk all the way to the kitchen.
7. Diet starts tomorrow!
For real. I'm going to the gym first thing in the morning and sweating all of this garbage out.
8. Oh wait. Tomorrow is Black Friday soooo diet starts on Saturday.
If we're going to the mall, I'll need nourishment while shopping, and the food court has pizza and soft pretzels. I will need pizza and soft pretzels.
9. Wait, why am I on a diet?
Diets are stupid. I don't need to do anything extreme here, I just need to not eat my weight in white meat and pie every night for dinner.
10. I'm so thirsty I might need to fill the tub up with apple cider and just dive in.
But I'm not sure there's room in my stomach for anything, even liquid.
11. What's our pie selection looking like?
Did someone make apple or pecan? Or are we just stuck with pumpkin? Why don't we have cake with Thanksgiving, anyway?
12. We better have ice cream to go with it.
Any flavor will do, but I will definitely be disappointed if we don't have vanilla.
13. I swear to God, if nobody thought to pick up ice cream I will FREAK. OUT.
We can't have pie without ice cream. We just can't. WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO PICK UP ICE CREAM?!
14. What even is that canned cranberry jello made of, and why do I eat it every year?
Wasted plate space, I tell ya.
15. Will everyone judge me if I load up another plate with turkey and green bean casserole?
Maybe I should just sneak a plate and head to the bathroom.
16. My eyelids feel like they have tiny cinder blocks attached.
And everyone else is already asleep so I guess they won't notice if I snooze a little.
17. Who needs a bed?
Because seriously, I am two seconds away from crashing right here in this weird seated position next to Uncle Kip.
18. You know what? I killed that feast.
Only 364 days until the next Thanksgiving dinner...