I've got something to say to Frosty the Snowman: Bite me. As aggressive and unwarranted a sentiment as that is toward America's most beloved fictional snowman, I can't help the bitterness I feel toward his smug, happy, snowy self while I am currently huddled under three blankets and wishing I could legibly type with mittens on my fingers. Needless to say, I am not the kind of person who enjoys the cold. I mean, snow is pretty and nice to look at, but so was Regina George. And both of those things at their core (probably) have no regard for humanity.
I think part of it is that I was spoiled in my early life, when I lived out on the mild-weathered West Coast. I've been living near D.C. now for over a decade (yes, I'm aware that we don't even chart as one of the coldest cities in the U.S., but I am a big baby, so bear with me) and moving from here to there was the weather equivalent of permanently sticking your head in a freezer. Add the fact that we have a predicted snowpocalypse comeback, and I have the blood circulation of a vampire, and my fingers and toes are pretty much numb from November until April. It is a miracle I even leave the house at all, because I have to tell myself some pretty ridiculous things to do it.
Go To Your Happy Place
There is nothing in this life more treacherous than the moment you leave a heated building and have the cold air smack you in the face so hard you wonder if you just stumbled into a fight club. Your happy place is the only tool you have to survive. My happy place, for instance, is the first bite of the free bread at Macaroni Grill. You best find yours before it gets any colder.
I Haven't Shaved In Several Weeks
Not lazily, but strategically. I now have an inch of fur on my legs, which is just one more barrier between me and hypothermia. Take that, ridiculous societal standards!
I Can Pretend To Be A Penguin
Penguins are cute, and they like the cold. I can be cute and like the cold, too. (Sometimes you have to tell yourself a blatant lie.)
There Is Heat In The Car/Bus/Subway
If that's not enough incentive to get out of the door and make a freaking break for it, I don't know what is. And if you don't have heat in your car, just stop reading this article. It won't help you. Don't go outside, at this point you're beyond help.
Anna Survived So Much Worse Than This
That crazy chick climbed up a mountain in boots with heels and a flimsy dress. Oh, and her heart was literally frozen and then she turned into a block of ice. I can handle a brief venture outside in this relatively moderate cold.
Enough Oversize Ratty Sweaters Will Make Me Invincible
I think I own more sweaters than I have friends. And although I may look ridiculous in them (that winterland boho chic thing always just emphasizes my more hobbit-like qualities), they are like armor on a battlefield, out on the cold front lines.
I'm going to be honest: I'm a little intimidated by drive-thrus and will always opt to park and get out of the car to talk to a real human—unless it is under 25 degrees, and then all of my rules for social decorum are out the window.
Maybe Someone Will Cuddle With Me
Preferably someone who is also wearing a ridiculously fluffy sweater and/or flannel. ♪ I don't care who you are, where you're from, what you did, as long as you're COZY. ♪
There Is Holiday Candy For Purchase Beyond These Walls
The idea that there is holiday-themed candy outside of my house is usually enough to get me through Christmas and Valentine's Day, but after February 15, if you need me for anything, don't.
The faster you leave, the faster you get to the warmth
This is probably the most logical thought and should arguably be the first one, and it would have been, except that THERE IS NO LOGIC WHEN IT COMES TO COLD.
I can drink as much coffee as I want and nobody can judge me
Official free pass. My theory as to why Christmas-themed drinks get significantly less flack than the PSL is that, at this point of the year, it is so cold that we all just do what we have to do to survive and reserve judgment for days with temperatures that still have two digits in them.
At Least I'll Get To Show Off My Super Cute Earmuffs/Scarf/[Insert Wintery Accessory Here]
If you ever walked by those obnoxiously sequined-knit accessories at Old Navy and thought to yourself, "Pfft, who even buys these?" the answer is ME. I buy them. In several different colors and with very little shame.
Summer Will Come Eventually
Wake me up when it's June.