7 Things Katy Perry's Super Bowl Halftime Show Needs to Outshine the Actual Football Game — VIDEO

Listen, I know that most people watch the Super Bowl in order to watch two football teams duke it out for what I assume is some trophy of some kind. (How many football fans just clicked away from this article for fear of their souls crying tears at my ignorance, I wonder?) However, many people like myself just show up to the Super Bowl for the halftime show and Katy Perry is performing at the Superbowl XLIX in 2015. Whether you're a huge fan of Perry or a huge Perry hater or, like me, feel utterly neutral about Perry, you can't deny that she's in some illustrious company. I mean, we can't forget when Beyoncé's Super Bowl show with Destiny's Child went so hard it actually caused a power outage.

Considering I first realized the Super Bowl was something more important than a thing that glued my father to the television for hours when Justin Timberlake "accidentally" revealed Janet Jackson's boob during their halftime show in 2004, you can imagine exactly how much it takes for a halftime show to impress me. I mean, Perry is competing with power outages and nip slips going into 2015 and I'm not a huge fan of hers to begin with.


"I've got some insane ideas this year. Like... what if we cover the stadium in glitter, but the glitter... was edible," says Perry in this Pepsi "Hyped for Halftime" video that I imagine is supposed to get me pumped up for her show. Which, to be honest, it does. A little. I mean, it's mainly over the promise of a thousand kittens, but that's still excitement. However, if Perry wants to overshadow that whole football game thing like the greats that have come before her, then her halftime show is going to need to have these seven things.

1. An actual time machine

Not because I want to see an Elvis impersonator or something. It's just that Perry's mention of a time machine in her Pepsi video made me immediately think of all the bands that broke up that have done reunions at the Super Bowl — and how a "time machine" could make that happen during Perry's set. Imagine Perry singing any of her songs accompanied by D3 or the Spice Girls or even 'N Sync. I would absolutely die.

2. A Kitten For Every Audience Member

Except the dog people, who get nothing. But one thousand kittens isn't anywhere near enough for every member of the audience and if I show up to the Super Bowl and have to look at kittens that I can never take home with me and love forever, then I'm going to cry. And then I will call this the WORST SUPER BOWL SHOW EVER. And no one wants that.

3. The Actual E.T.

All right, so E.T. is probably under some kind of copyright protection that Perry has to pay a fee to every time she performs "E.T.," but I think her show would be about ten times better if there was an actual alien on stage with her. It doesn't have to sing, but it has to be real. She's already wearing a space suit, so I expect her to go up into the galaxy and bring one back with her in time for the Super Bowl, okay?

4. Tigers

Nothing says "Roar" like some tigers, am I right? Of course, I would want those tigers taken care of in a PETA-friendly way — and properly trained so they don't hurt anyone — but having animal sidekicks to accompany her during her songs would definitely give even the people who aren't huge fans of her music something to look at.

5. Fireworks

I mean, duh. But maybe she could go the extra mile and have the fireworks shot out of one of her stage props — like say this fire-breathing shark. That sounds completely safe and totally unlikely to backfire at all.

6. A Superbowl Cake

Just like Ellen DeGeneres ordered everyone a pizza during her hosting gig at the Oscars, so too should Perry start handing out slices of a giant cake replica of the Super Bowl. The way to an audience's heart is through their stomach. Also, then she could have her edible glitter.

7. Kanye West

Rick Kern/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Ain't no concert like a Kanye West concert because a Kanye West concert has a 15-minute rant.

Image: YouTube (7)