Here's How 'Insidious 2' Will Help You Get Laid

You might've watched the trailer for Insidious 2 and thought to yourself, "Wow, I can't even think of anything less sexy than what I just watched," and you wouldn't be entirely wrong. Despite having two sexy leads, Rose Byrne and Patrick Wilson, the premise is a huge boner killer, ya know, what with the whole being possessed, all-in-the-family-ghost-issues and such. So we can agree that the juxtaposition of children, dead people and baby monitors makes for a decidedly asexual reaction, and it's totally great that you're not aroused by any of the above (if you are: seek help) but boy, are you wrong about the wonders this movie is going to do for your sex life. Insidious 2, believe or not, might just be the movie equivalent of Viagra or OKCupid.

Maybe you're thinking, "This writer clearly has very deep and resounding mental issues," to which I say perhaps, but hear me out on this one. Insidious 2 is scary and there's definitely dead people, but to confine it so linearly is not giving this movie due credit.

This movie is going to get you laid, it's going to get your friends laid, it might well get the entire world laid. THE ENTIRE WORLD. Here's how.

1) No one wants to go see this alone, so technically it sounds less date-y when you invite someone along. Even if it's totally a date.

It's totally not a date, I just don't want to have to walk home after worrying that the creatures from The Further are going to come for me. You wouldn't want me to have to walk home all scared would you? Also bring condoms.

2) If you invite someone to go and they haven't seen the first, that is an absolute excuse to go sit in your room in the dark for two hours BEFORE going to the movie theater.

If you happen to grab them in fear ... whoopsie. Oh my GOD was that your penis I grabbed? I was just scared. But by the way you're huge.

3) It's Friday the 13th, so doing something creepy, like seeing Insidious 2 with a sexy someone for example, is very trendy. And everyone likes to be trendy.

What, you don't want to go see Insidious 2 with me? But it's Friday the 13th, you kind of have to! Don't worry, I'll hold your rippling bicep ... I mean hand when you're scared.

4) It wouldn't be unreasonable to be so scared that you just needed someone to stay the night instead of going back to their house.

I know this is a first date and all, but I'm terrified. Do you want to come in? I just want to know there's someone there in case I get too frightened and can't sleep. Also I like being little spoon, and BTW I sleep naked.

5) The fact that they use "The Further" to connote the shadowy alternate plain that the ghosts come from makes for seriously excellent and topical puns about going one step further post-viewing.

And everyone knows, nothing is sexier than puns.

Enjoy responsibly people, and don't say I didn't tell you so.