17 Things People in Long Distance Relationships Are Tired of Hearing, Because Our Sex Life Isn't Your Business

Despite being married, my husband Olivier and I spend a good deal of our relationship apart. It’s difficult, but it’s been this way since we met in France. While I’d like to officially put all the fault for being in a long distance relationship on the U.S. immigration department, I know I have to accept some of the blame myself.

It's complicated, but basically, while we planned to finally get him his “conditional permanent residence,” this past fall, because he came in on the “wrong” visa, we had to put that off so that he wouldn’t be classified as coming into the country under false pretenses. In fact, Olivier will be going back to France tomorrow and will not be able to return for three months. If I want to see him before then, I’ll have to go to Europe, which, of course, isn’t the worst thing in the world.

Still, being in a long distance relationship, especially when you're married, seems to be confusing to some people. It means that we get a lot of questions and unsolicited advice regarding our "situation," as well as a lot of weird questions about our sex life. If you're also in a long distance relationship, you know what I'm talking about. Because there are some things we're just tired of hearing. Things like...

1. "IT MUST BE REALLY DIFFICULT TO LIVE THAT WAY"

It is, Sherlock, but thanks for pointing out the obvious.

2. "I FEEL SO SORRY FOR YOU"

And it always comes out with this awful tone that’s a cross between pity and condescension. I don’t need your pity, thanks.

3. "DO YOU HAVE AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP?"

This tends to be the most common one, as if he and I can’t go 90 days without having to have sex. Luckily, we both have hands.

4. "How CAN YOU TRUST THAT they WON’T CHEAT ON YOU?"

I don't know, how do you know your boyfriend won't cheat on you? This one is almost always followed by the fact that Olivier is French, which means he obviously has a greater chance of cheating than any other human being in the world. Stereotypes, man.

5. "they're PROBABLY CHEATING ON YOU"

Really?

6. "HOW CAN YOU STAND GOING THAT LONG WITHOUT SEX?"

What’s with all the damn sex questions?

7. "DO YOU HAVE PHONE SEX?"

Phone sex? Pfft. Computer cam, baby! Now you’re stuck with that image ALL. DAY.

8. "I DID THE LONG DISTANCE THING IN COLLEGE. IT WAS A DISASTER."

Thanks for sharing!

9. "IT PROBABLY WON’T WORK OUT"

Again, super helpful. Why does my being in a long distance relationship entitle you to make judgements about the future of my relationship?

10. "THE TIME DIFFERENCE MUST SUCK"

For me, six hours isn’t that bad. I’m just glad he doesn’t live in Tokyo.

11. "HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU SPEND ON AIRLINE TICKETS?"

Too much to admit to, but thank god for frequent flier miles. How much do you spend on rent?

12. "WHEN WILL YOU SEE THEM AGAIN?"

Soon, hopefully. But I can’t think that far ahead right now.

13. "WHAT IF YOU DON’T SEE THEM AGAIN?"

Yes, people actually ask this. As if he’s just going to run off and that will be that.

14. "WHY DON’T YOU JUST DECIDE ON A CITY AND STAY THERE ALREADY?"

What a novel idea! The short answer is that we both love our prospective cities. Besides, who would give up New York or Paris? If only he was from Cleveland or something.

15. "HOW DOES IT EVEN COUNT AS A RELATIONSHIP IF YOU NEVER SEE THEM?"

Correction: I do see him. Let me show you all my photos of us together.

16. "I BET YOU WISH YOU HAD MET SOMEONE WHO LIVED HERE"

All. The. Time. But I love him, so I’m stuck with this for now.

17. "Well, I hope you really love them"

Yup, I sure do. And you know what? It's all worth it.

Images: New Line Cinema; Giphy(16)