What Are The Weirdest Google Sex Searches?

I write a blog that deals with sex and has sex in its name — Snax and Sex and the City. I get great satisfaction from sharing my stories about two of my favorite things, and I'm privileged to have access to a wildly diverse group of viewers, comprised of my family, friends, and, overwhelmingly, people looking for porn. I credit my relatively vast, global viewership not to my writing, so compelling that it draws in curious readers from Vietnam and Kenya and Brazil, but to the fact that all humans (even the asexual ones) wonder about sex. The Internet, facilitating the exploration of sex with relative anonymity, brings people to my blog, where I touch on such subjects as hand jobs, porn, sexism, Tinder, sexting, and one-night stands.

In addition to all matters sex, I write about food, which attracts a unique brand of sex-oriented Google search — the food + sex hybrid search — to my blog. Some real, human-typed inquiries include “cheesestring porn” and "hot dog seks." Wordpress lets me see what people searched right before they stumbled onto my page, and this is, perhaps, the most fascinating part of blogging about sex.

Here are just a few of the more memorable Google searches that have led people to my blog.

"what does it mean to have sex in the dream with your servant?"

"hit hot live sex&hi hot"

"i must not think about sex"

"Is there a sex and snax party?"

"stories about sex with mayonnaise"

"how to eat popcorn in a sexual way"

“gay sex at katz deli”

“living like a whore in new york

"phsyically sexy vagina with good sexy penis"

"when is being nude necessary?"

"how to meat slicing tips"

"ha ha hand jobs"

"sexforicecream"

"how could we be friends when there are so many feelings involved"

"how to give hand job ofmy own penis in my own hand"

I don’t know what’s sadder — that people are searching things like “how to give hand job ofmy own penis in my own hand” or that I’m writing content that attracts people who search “how to give hand job ofmy own penis in my own hand." Definitely the former. I dream of living in a world where NO ONE, not one person, has to take to the Internet to figure out masturbation. (Part of this dream involves no one calling masturbation "hand job of one's own penis in own hand.")

What’s become incredibly apparent, though, as I browse through search entries almost guiltily, imagining the secret life of the person who searched “napoli naket sax videos sax only,” is that human sexuality is so vast and so weird. Even more apparent is the reality that people around the world aren't getting the chance to talk about sex enough in their day-to-day lives: at home or at school. Many of the searches are depressingly straightforward: "how to sex," or "what does vagina look like."

A study in Mother Jones found that countries where certain sex taboos exist — particularly against homosexuality — have the most Google searches for those taboo topics. Pakistan, for example, where only two percent of people surveyed said society should accept homosexuality, is the WORLD LEADER for the Google searches "shemale sex," (someone has a disturbing lack of awareness with regards to proper terminology for those who don't fit the gender binary) "teen anal sex," and "man fucking man."

Clearly, there's a correlation between what people in different countries search (see: what turns them on, what fascinates them, what confuses them) and what they purport to believe or reject or scorn. This is true on the individual level, too: We take to the Internet when our desires seem strange or subversive, when we don't feel comfortable asking our questions to a fellow person (and, of course, if we're looking for porn, we would never ask a fellow person: "teen anal sex?" or another common search, "hot dog sex?").

The Google searches that are deeply personal, that would be much better directed towards a friend, sadden me the most. Last month, someone searched: "why did a guy say heloved you andvthen nevervtalk to you after you had sex." And whoever that person was, I just want to give him/her a huge hug. I know for a fact that the forlorn searcher did not find the answer to that question on the Internet.

There’s something beautiful about the deep, dark fantasies of strangers, and having access to them, however superficially. I recognize I"m just a point people pass through on their journeys to porn, or to the place they can actually buy Darkside Skittles (I wrote about them once, and it's by far the most popular search term leading people to my blog.) And I feel bad when the person who searched “sex between a beautiful lady with a snax guy” arrives at my blog to find no content of the sort, just awkward anecdotes about sex I’ve had and things I’ve eaten. Sometimes I'll engage with the anonymous sex journeyer or relationship worrier or lonely Internet bro, by answering a search term, as I did for the guy who searched, "girlfriend accepts drink with me there."More often, I'll close my eyes and pray for expanded sexual education and a world-wide de-stigmitization of sex (and homosexuality.) Then, I'll keep my eyes closed and try to forget I ever saw the words "vietnamese soup grandma sex party."

Image: Fotolia