15 Reasons Why Jewish People Don't Need Christmas — Or Your Goyishe Sympathy
Every jewish person knows the sympathetic, condescending line: "Awww, but what about Christmas?!" Here we go again — time to explain that we aren't going to pull an It's a Wonderful Life just because we have two obligation-free days off work. Jewish people don't need Christmas, and if we led you to believe otherwise with our affinity for pine-scented candles or jokes about getting a Hanukkah bush, well then, we apologize.
Because my birthday falls on December 20, I think I've gotten even more goyishe sympathy than your average Jew in my lifetime. "Aw, is it hard having your birthday so close to Christmas?!" strangers will often coo. Sometimes, I don't bother correcting them. Other times, I direct them to my clearly jewish face in the hopes they'll put nose and hair together.
While I have nothing against Christmas — I love birthdays, and any excuse for time off! — I am a little sick of the condescending pity we Jews get every year when Gentiles seem to think of us huddling in a corner somewhere with a box of Chinese takeout. So, let's get the record straight: Here are 15 reasons why jewish people absolutely, positively don't have Christmas FOMO.
We Have Enough Holidays To Deal With
See: Hanukkah, Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, Purim, Passover, Sukkot, Shemini Atzeret/Simchat Torah, Tu B'Shevat, Yom Ha-Atzma'ut, Yom Ha-Zikkaron, Yom Yerushalayim, Shavu'ot, Tisha B'Av....
We Don't Want Another Reason To Drink Manischewitz
Cause you know our family would find a way to turn it into one.
And We Certainly Don't Need The Time To Catch Up With Our Mothers
Because we just talked to them.
8 Days of Presents > One Day of Presents
Though, to be honest, hardly anyone actually gets eight days of presents. Still, it's a good trump card.
It's The Cheapest Day To Fly
All Jews, Muslims, Atheists, and asian people up on this plane! (We should probably use this as an opportunity to finally form that band.)
And The Best Day To Go To The Movies
Did you know she Jewish? Yeah, we definitely did.
Or Watch Our Own Awesome Movies At Home
And, Yes, Eat Chinese Food
Traditiooooooon! Tradition. Man, anyone else kind of want to watch Fiddler on the Roof now?
If You Do Work, You Get Paid Double-Overtime
I'll take that extra comp day too, thanks.
And If You Don't Work, You Just Get Two Obligation-Free Days Off
Yeah, it's not "sad" at all.
Most Of Us Don't Eat Ham Anyway
So Christmas dinner isn't anything we're pining for.
We'll Just Have a Dinner of Fried Potato Pancakes, Thankyouvery much
Oh, and Don't Forget the Traditional Donuts
Because it wasn't enough we invented bagels, we also had to pioneer the donut.
Playing Dreidel Is Way More Fun Than Whatever People Do on Christmas
Hello, it's GAMBLING with CHOCOLATE.
And Most of All, If We Celebrated Christmas, That Would Really Put a Damper on Our Complaining About The Music
'Tis the season to kvetch. Oh, who am I kidding — it's always the season.
Images: someecards, Giphy; Naomi Howland