6 Phases of Holiday Food Withdrawal, From Surprise to Fury to Downright Desperation
Christmas and Hanukkah are both over now, so you know what that means: taking down decorations (always sad for those of us obsessed with the holidays), getting back to work, and — oh yeah! Mountains upon mountains of holiday leftovers your relatives insisted on sending home with you crammed into every surface of your fridge. Not that you're complaining; I mean, who in their right mind would refuse the offer of your grandmother's magical leftover carrot cake?As amazing as these first few days of leftover holiday food may be, the days of delicious junk food-induced bliss are, sadly, numbered. Soon, you'll watch your supplies of snowman-shaped cookies and latkes dwindle, and although you'll try bravely to make them last as long as possible, the day will inevitably come when your refrigerator will be back to the empty wasteland that it was before people at work started foisting their unwanted Christmas cookies on you (because if you're anything like me, they know you'll eat them no matter what kind they are). But as you mournfully eat your last genderbread person (social equality sure is delicious), I want you to know that you're not alone in your pain. Holiday food withdrawal is something that many poor souls suffer through every year. But take heart! It'll all be over after you've gone through the following 6 stages.
This can't be right. You knew this day would come, but you didn't expect it to be so soon. There were so many leftovers yesterday! Surely you have some more in the back of the fridge, right? Right? Santa, are you listening??
There's no way you ate all the eggnog chocolate chip bread in less than two days. That would be laughable. Hilarious. Dare I say... inconceivable? (Princess Bride reference, anyone?) Haha! Ha! Ha! It's just not... possible...
You did. You ate all the eggnog bread.
HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN? Why didn't your mom give you more food? Why didn't you exercise self-control instead of eating 12 cookies in one sitting last night? What kind of a world do we live in?
Who are you mad at? Everything and everyone. I mean, there's no way you finished everything on your own. Something must have gotten into your food... or someone. Which brings us to...
Some outside force clearly had a hand in this, and you're going to get to the bottom of it. Your roommate/housemate/partner/dog/cat/resident poltergeist must have stolen your food, because that's a way better explanation than facing the fact that you're out of fruitcake until next year.
Oh god. No matter how it disappeared (you ate it), the leftovers are gone, and they're not coming back. But maybe if you wish hard enough, Santa will refill your fridge. Everyone deserves at least one Christmas miracle in their lives, right? Whoever's listening, now would be the ideal time for a Christmas miracle. The situation is dire enough that you might contemplate making cookies yourself, and if that doesn't say something about how desperate you're getting, I don't know what will.
Let's face it: you're still in a food coma from the past few weeks, and all this is taking a lot of energy you could be devoting toward sleeping. It's time you came to terms with the fact that there aren't any more leftovers, and you really don't have an excuse to gorge yourself on holiday food until next year. Besides, aren't you trying to eat healthy in 2015? The unending supply of brownies at your parents' house isn't exactly part of a nutritious diet.
But if you happen to crack under the pressure and find yourself baking gingerbread in July because you couldn't wait any longer, that's cool too. I won't tell if you don't.