If the words “beer pipeline” are music to your booze-loving ears, prepare to have the greatest eargasm in the history of the universe: The De Halve Maan Brewery in Bruges, Belgium is installing a beer pipeline as part of its brewing and bottling process sometime this year. You heard me: A river of beer will run freely — well, freely while still being trapped within an enormous pipe — beneath the streets of Bruges before the year is out. I'll drink to that; who's with me?
I’ve never drunk any of De Halve Maan Brewery’s beer, but according to the folks of beer-based social network Untappd, it’s pretty well regarded (they've been making it since 1564, so of course they've perfected it by now). There’s just one problem: The brewery itself is located three kilometers away from the bottling plant. Hitherto the only way to get the beer from point A to point B has been by truck, which has caused all sorts of problems due to city’s the tiny, cobbled streets. Bruges, you see, is old. Really old. Medieval old, in fact — it first received its city charter in 1128. Once a strategically placed economic center, its access to the sea was largely enabled by canals. As such, it’s not really built for modern conveyances like trucks. That, however, is exactly the problem the beer pipeline will solve: This wondrous creation will allow around 500 tankers to be removed from the road, alleviating some pretty dramatic traffic problems in the process. Genius!
Not going to lie, though: I’m more amused by the manner in which the problem is getting solved than by the actual innovation itself. The Independent beautifully describes the pipeline as “Willy Wonkian,” which might just be my favorite descriptive phrase in the English language. I mean, think about it: The only thing that could possibly make Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory cooler that it already is would be if it produced booze instead of sweets… and essentially, De Halve Maan’s beer pipeline has made that dream a reality. Best. News. Ever.
But if you’ve been thinking about possibly tapping the pipeline and skimming a little bit from its supply, don’t. Just don’t. It’ll be incredibly difficult to do — nigh on impossible, even, according to brewery officials. Said owner Xavier Vanneste to EuroNews, “This is stronger than a steel pipe. It’s really very strong. So we are quite confident that no leaks or illegal tapping points will be there.” Considered yourselves warned, beer poachers.
Come to think of it, there are rather a lot of things I’d love to have transported down a giant pipeline — preferably one that heads right to my front door. Who else wishes they had access to one of these types of delivery systems?
1. Pizza Pipeline
The beauty behind this one is twofold: First, the name is alliterative, and I love alliteration; and second… well, pizza. Preferably good pizza from the family-owned place a few miles away from my apartment. That place is the best.
2. Coffee Pipeline
Just think how useful it’ll be on Monday mornings.
3. Puppy Pipeline
Again, alliteration — and also scores of puppies, all tramping down what would probably have to be a tunnel, rather than a pipe, just so you can play with them and pile them all on top of you. Yes please.
4. Library Pipeline
Ideally this one would be a long-distance pneumatic tube system. All you’d have to do would be to shoot a note through it to your local library telling them which book you want; then they’d send it back to you by return tube. Yes, I realize this is more or less the same thing as checking the library catalog via the Internet at home and having them reserve the book for you there until you can pick it up; but, well… pneumatic tubes.
5. Champagne Pipeline
This one would lead directly to a spigot or something in your kitchen, which would shoot it full of bubbles when you dispensed it into a classy little champagne flute. Or, y'know, a shoe. Whatever.
6. Lip Balm Pipeline
Never be caught putting sunblock on your lips again.
7. Nutella Pipeline
Cookie Butter would also be acceptable.
Images: Giphy (8)