Worst. Craigslist. Roommate Posting. Ever

If you're looking for a place to live on Craigslist, there are a lot of opportunities for things to go horribly wrong — misleading listings, fake listings, roommates who are secretly crazy. But in the case of this Craislist ad seeking a live-in girlfriend, it's hard to even count the number of things that are wrong with the posting. But let's start with the fact that normal people find a girlfriend first, date for a while, then decide if they're ready to move in together. Thinking you can go from being strangers to being a couple who lives together all at once is already a red flag that someone doesn't understand how healthy relationships work.

Believe it or not, though, that isn't even the worst red flag. The post, which is titled "Seeking GF, Musician & Work Partner" and filed under "rooms & shares" for central LA, starts off "I am looking for a live-in girlfriend and work partner for a long-term, serious relationship," and only goes down from there.

In the original posting (which has since been taken down), he then describes what a "great day" looks like for him, and encourages anyone interested to reach out. He goes on to detail exactly what he would expect his potential partner to be doing during just about every second of her day — unless of course she has a part-time job, which he would let her keep and even be available to jump in help her with. I can't decide if that sounds pathetically clingy or creepily controlling.

Given the context, I might be leaning towards creepily controlling. I mean look at this ideal day:

* We wake up and cuddle, talk, make love, be affectionate.

* I cook you breakfast (I'm a damn good cook) or you cook me breakfast or we take turns.

* We talk about God and our spiritual lives; our questions, concerns, hopes, fears, etc.

* We read Scripture and Pray together. Yes, I am a Christian. An intelligent, mature Christian, unlike the BS you often see on TV. I'm non-denominational and quite frankly, can't stand most churches or most American Christians. I go to a church sometimes, but the majority of my spiritual life is concerned with the "inner" life as opposed to the "outer" life.

* We work together in the office, putting light into the world. I have a number of businesses; recording music in my pro home studio, music management, an educational blog - and I do freelance business development for other clients. For 5 years, my ex-gf worked with me (notice I said WITH ME and not "for me"). She loved her job, made good money at it and we both loved the experience. I know how to run a fair and equitable office that separates work and pleasure. I'm a great boss that give rewards, but I also know when to draw the line and I don't accept slacking.

* If you have another part-time job or projects of your own, you work the other half a day on these. If you need my help, just call and I'll happily help. I have launched three ex-gf's careers and I'm good at it.

* We exercise or do some manual labor. Anything to get out of the office, off our butts and out of our heads. Yoga, walking, cycling, rollerblading, hiking, mountain climbing, whatever.

* We help someone in need. Often I visit the homeless in my 'hood and give them what they need; toothpaste, socks, food, etc. I believe we are required to do this, and I enjoy it. You should too.

* We stay up late talking, having a snack, cuddling.

* We take vacations to explore other parts of the country and world. I am gearing my business to make it a regular part of my life soon and am interested in relocating out of the US; you are too.

Did you get through all that?

It's kind of hard to believe that this post is real, but so far all signs point to yes. In fact, after it was flagged for removal (Craigslist does not specify why), another post with an identical headline appeared, saying "Hey you. Pssst - yeah, you. You can flag me, but I'll keep coming back, so you're just wasting your time." And although the new one doesn't detail a full ideal day — maybe he realized just how creepy it sounded that he wants to control literally every segment of this woman's day — but does seem to be from the same person, based on how he decribes his ideal "partner" which matches up pretty well with the requirements he went on to list in the original post.

Apparently for this dude to deign to co-habitate with (and control) you, you have to be:

YoungIn shapeMusically talented and want to pursue a career in it or around it (musician, agent, manager, etc.)Love classic jazz, soul, funk, rock and more.SingleNo petsWilling to travel and possibly relocateHealthy, like organic food, like to exercise and truly care about your healthHave a good sense of humorHave a high sex drive and like to be affectionateLove God, read Scripture and take your Faith seriously.No pets, no kids, no drugs, no games, very little stuff to move in with.

Yeah...this dude isn't interested in a real person. If that's not clear by now, go read all this again. He doesn't want a real "girlfriend," someone he can get to know as an individual with her own unique personality and worldview, someone with autonomy and an inner life, someone who is a person. He's looking for a woman who can match up with his fantasy. He's decided what the perfect woman for him would be, and what the perfect relationship would be, and now wants someone to step into that role.

Which is not only creepy because it assumes intimacy and trust are things that can just spring into existence instantaneously rather than requiring time to develop organically; it's also creepy as all get out for the fact that this scenario clearly doesn't allow the woman in question any room to grow or change.

What will this self-described "6' tall, slim, fit, youthful, energetic, intelligent, attractive, talented" man do if his fantasy woman wakes up one morning and realizes she really doesn't like jazz anymore? What if she decides she wants a pet? What if she stops wanting to work out anymore because she thinks her desire to exercise is coming from a place of unhealthy body image issues and she wants to try to repair that? What if she just decides she doesn't feel like hanging out with him all day today?

I raise these all as hypotheticals, of course, because the reality is that this is not a posting for a real woman. This is some guy desperately trying to bring a fantasy to life and delusional enough to think he can. And something tells me that if by some miracle he actually managed to attract someone willing to sign up for this ridiculous arrangement, he wouldn't react well if she, you know, did what actual, living people do and changed.

So Dear Craigslist Dude: Women are people, not fantasy wish fulfillment. If you want an actual meaningful relationship with a person, go get to know who they are, respect them (even the parts you don't think are "perfect"), and stop acting like building a life with another person is something you can just skip to the end of with a little help from Craigslist.

Image: Giphy