Ellen Page reading The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
Maybe I'm biased because Ellen Paige is my crush to end all crushes, but I think she'd do an amazing reading of The Bell Jar. She's flexed her comedic coming-of-age chops in the past as well as taking on more serious roles, so she would be the perfect person to read for the unstable Esther as she slowly begins taking control of her life.
Tina Fey reading The Portable Dorothy Parker
Both funny ladies are bitingly witty and slightly self-deprecating, making this a match made in heaven. Whether reading her short stories or her poetry, I would love to hear Fey read Parker's commentary on love, life, and being a woman. Parker once said, "The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue." Doesn't this fit Fey perfectly?
Kristen Wiig reading The Awakening by Kate Chopin
Sure she's a bit more well known for her comedy than her serious roles, but I still think Kristen Wiig could pull this off. If I'm listening to a reading of an iconic piece of feminist literature, I want an equally strong female actress reading the part. Plus, it would be awesome to see Wiig outside of the comedy box a lot of people try to keep her in.
James Franco reading On the Road by Jack Kerouac
Franco has already proven his chops reading Beat literature in his awesome 2010 film Howl, in which he read the title poem and reenacted Ginsberg's famous obscenity trial. So why not give him something a little meatier? Kerouac's iconic novel about driving across America is best listened to in the car anyway (obviously), so why not let Franco keep you company on your own On the Road adventure?
Alan Rickman reading the A Series of Unfortunate Events series by Lemony Snicket
This makes sense for a number of reasons. First, because I could listen to Alan Rickman forever and therefore giving him a series that's 13 books long lets me listen to him for hours. Second, because doesn't he seem like someone who would sound so gleeful while talking about children being miserable? It would be like Snape reading, and as we know Snape hates kids.
Joseph Gordon Levitt reading The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
Ugh, I just want to hear him be angsty and call everyone a phoney. Isn't that everyone's dream? A close runner up for Holden was my beloved Evan Peters (channeling his inner Tate, obvs), but JGL squeaked by with the win. He'd totally make Holden a likable underdog, instead of just kind of whiny.
Emma Watson reading The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
Emma Watson has proven time and time again that she's a boss bitch and a feminist to boot, so hearing her read this feminist dystopian novel is like everything that I want. She'd definitely bring her passion for woman's rights to the role, so just image how moving the entire experience would be. I'd get out of my car prepared to fight the patriarchy.
David Tennant reading Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh
In all fairness, I would let David Tennant read anything to me. But to hear him put that gorgeous Scottish accent to good use while telling me all about junkies in Edinburgh? I would listen to that on repeat. Plus, only a Scottish person can pronounce half of the dialogue in this book.
Colin Farrell reading Ulysses by James Joyce
I've been struggling with trying to force myself to read Ulysses for years. Let's face it: It's a hard text to wrap your head around. Yet somehow I think I could get into it if I knew the extremely attractive Colin Farrell was going to read me this massive book. Plus, James Joyce is Irish and Farrell is Irish, so it's authentic!
Ellen DeGeneres and Benedict Cumberbatch reading Fifty Shades of Gray by E.L. James
After seeing Ellen's hilarious skit in which she uncomfortably reads from Fifty Shades, all I could think was, "Yes! More of this please!" But then I imagined Benedict Cumberbatch reading sex scenes to me and I started convulsing. Why should I have to choose between them? What if they read the series together? Imagine Ellen awkwardly reading for Anastasia while Cumberbatch whispers naughty nothings in her ear. I think I just solved all the world's problems. I'll see myself out now.