At approximately 10:15 PM EST on Sunday, Sept. 29, the Breaking Bad series finale will be over, which means Breaking Bad will be over and a large portion of the population will wander around like zombies, unsure of what to do next without the constant question of Walter White's fate hanging over our heads. The final episode will end all the questioning, all the guilt-ridden secret hope for Walter White, the worry for Jesse Pinkman's future, and of course, the voracious need to see Todd receive his just deserts.
But I'm not ready. It's too soon. Are we really okay with knowing that this weekend marks the last time we'll be shocked by Walt? Or cry for Jesse? Or grab our own faces in shock, horror, awe, or sorrow? Yes, AMC has driven the point home time and again, "All bad things must come to an end." But does it really? Yes, plot-wise, it definitely does. Four and a half years of shit has just hit the proverbial fan, and it needs to end. There is no other way. But what about out here in the real world; how do those of us far too delusional to accept the end of this life-changing series make it last forever?
There are a few methods that could do the trick. Warning: They're pretty extreme, but if you're irrepressibly depressed about the end being nigh, these are the options, folks.
1. LEAST EXTREME: WATCH SUNDAY, THEN IMMEDIATELY START WATCHING THE SERIES ALL OVER AGAIN... FOREVER AND EVER UNTIL THE END OF TIME
It'll be like the first time you watched Fight Club after learning that Brad Pitt and Edward Norton are the same person, multiplied by a thousand. Breaking Bad is the king of callbacks and hint-dropping. Make yourself a Breaking Bad scholar; your life's work could be understanding the series so well, you could recite entire episodes at the drop of Heisenberg's hat and write J.K. Rowlingian companion guides full of information about Walt's parents and the five-year journey of Gray Matter.
2. PRETTY EXTREME: JUST DON'T WATCH SUNDAY'S EPISODE
It's crazy. I know. But I did warn you about that. If you avoid Sunday's episode, it will be like Breaking Bad never ended at all. Of course, you'll also have to avoid Twitter, Facebook, probably LinkedIn and any form of actual social interaction for the following two weeks. No public transportation, no talk radio in the car, and absolutely no water cooler chatter. Happy hour? Forget it. Actually, it's probably best if you just find yourself a secluded cabin in the snowy mountains and pay some guy who's never seen Breaking Bad to bring you food and play gin rummy with you.
If you can manage to stick to this plan, you might just pull this off. But the curiosity about how it all ends may turn you into a ball of nerves whose only purpose is to consume stale Breaking Bad theories over and over and over until the end of time. (But hey, at least you'll make all those bloggers' and critics' work last forever. Please and thank you.)
3. SUPER EXTREME: STAY AWAKE FOR THE NEXT THREE DAYS UNTIL 10:15 PM ON SUNDAY
True, this method won't make Breaking Bad last forever, but it will make the time between now and the final seconds of the finale seem like an eternity. If you can manage to deprive yourself of sleep from now until the end of Breaking Bad. Helpful, totally unhealthy and awful solutions include generous helpings of coffee, Five Hour Energy, and Red Bull combined with periodic jumping jacks and cold showers. Oh, it sounds awful, you say? Well, clearly you're not committed enough to this whole "making your favorite show last forever" business. I bet you're not even planning to eat blue rock candy and dress in yellow Hazmat suits for Sunday's big episode. What are you even doing reading this article right now? Shoo.
4. SUPER DUPER EXTREME: BECOME HEISENBERG (MINUS THE ACTUAL METH BECAUSE THAT'S ILLEGAL, YOU WEIRDO)
Step 1: Become a high school chemistry teacher.
Step 2: Allow a reason to make lots of money for your family manifest.
Step 3: Start making meth (and by meth, we mean artisan sky blue rock candy) with a screwed up kid from the high school where you teach chemistry.
Step 4: Make better candy meth than anyone else in town.
Step 5: Get a pork pie hat.
Step 6: Get so wrapped up in making candy meth, that your family disowns you and forces you to throw a poor, defenseless pizza onto the roof of your house (demonstration below).
Step 7: Get the local fried chicken purveyor to help you sell your candy meth, but realize he's trying to kill you and blow half of his face off in an old folks' home. (The candy business is apparently more cutthroat than you originally anticipated.)
Step 8: Quit making candy meth. It's too dangerous.
Step 9: Face off against your brother-in-law, who wants you to pay for all the damage your candy meth has done... to the dental hygiene of your customers.
Step 10: Turn on the screwed-up kid you partnered with to make candy meth and become wildly upset when he teams up with your brother-in-law for the aforementioned dental hygiene crusade.
Step 11: Have a showdown in the desert with your former partner and your brother-in-law and allow another candy meth purveyor to take your partner and force him into candy meth slavery. (It's not so bad, his new boss brings him Ben and Jerry's ice cream in his underground prison cell, so it's cool.)
Step 12: Lose everything because your greedy ass just couldn't resist that sweet, blue crystalline candy. You bastard.
See? You can do it! (If you're just a little more insane than Todd Alquist and his inexplicable love for Lydia.)
Images: AMC, Gifrific.com