14 Stages Of Eating An Entire Pizza By Yourself, Because You Were Born For This
My parents always told me and my siblings that we would grow up and do amazing things if we set our minds to it, and they were right. While my fellow millennials were out earning Master's degrees, joining Teach for America, and interning at the White House, I was doing something that is actually worthy of being put on the family Christmas card: I learned to eat an entire pizza. No, no, I don't want you to be intimidated—I am a mere mortal just like the rest of you. It just so happens that I can do something really impressive and amazing that should be lavished with praise (and cheese).
Eating an entire pizza might seem like an impossible feat (pssh—maybe for the weak), but for true pizza lovers (aka, everyone except Leonardo DiCaprio), this challenge is not only feasible, but occasionally necessary. In our lives, we will all face great obstacles and hit epic milestones, and the only way a person can truly acknowledge them is by going to town on a pizza several times the size of your own face, and daring the delivery guy to judge you when he opens the door to find that you're alone (again). If you've ever singlehandedly eaten an entire pizza, you will remember all of the following:
The urgent need
The way Frodo is compelled to slip the Ring of Power onto his grubby hobbit finger, you are compelled to log onto the online delivery website. And by "log on" I mean refresh your homepage, because your browser has priorities and those priorities are Papa John's.
The flicker of self-doubt
Even the mightiest of champions occasionally have their confidence shaken. The doorbell rings with your pizza and you walk it off. You've got this.
The blissful moment just before the game begins
Before you is the delicious, perfectly round, sinfully greasy pizza of your dreams. At once, the world is quiet. Your aura is centered. Your body is ready. It is time.
First slice confidence
After you polish off that first sucker, you're feeling pretty good about yourself. Maybe if you've got time after this you'll run a half-marathon or shave off Andrew Garfield's ecosystem of a beard in his sleep. Are there any limits to what you can achieve?
Second slice smugness
Um, rockstar status. Nay, next President of the United States.
Bragging about it on social media
"Casually eating an entire pizza by myself because Tuesday #likeaboss" you tweet, even though you haven't technically finished it yet. You're sitting in a dark room eating pizza by yourself, honestly, nobody is gonna know.
The adrenaline kicks in
Somewhere around the fourth or fifth slice, your body finally comes to terms with what is happening, and it is there for you one hundred percent. As your digestive system whirs to life and the blood starts pumping in your veins with an urgency unlike any you've ever known, you understand that you were born for this.
The first casualty
RIP, button that holds your jeans together.
The second casualty
Aka, the moment you give up on pants forever, casting them to some dark corner of the room so they can avert their innocent little pant-eyes from seeing that not only have you forsaken them, but you will continue to for the next 20-30 minutes and perhaps the next few days.
The halfway point
There is no turning back now. You understand that deep in your pizza-filled gut. You forge on, soldier, because you have no other choice.
The darkness starts closing in
There are rarely any warning signs before this happens; Not a trickle of sweat or a cramp of the stomach harkens its coming. But then, suddenly, it is as if you are having an out-of-pizza experience. There are maybe two slices left, but it might as well be two hundred. You're done for.
The "Hail Mary" slice
One more slice left. You might not be able to remember to pay bills that aren't auto-drafted from your bank account, you might not be able to go for longer than a two-hour stretch without WiFi, but dammit, you can do this. You owe it to all 2 of those followers who fave-ed your braggy post on Twitter!
The light at the end of the tunnel
THE CROWDS ARE ROARING. THE FINISH LINE IS ONLY SEVERAL CHEESY INCHES AWAY. EVEN YOUR SWEETEST DAYDREAMS ARE NOTHING COMPARED TO THIS.
Sweet, stuffed, semi-terrifying victory
Yes, you won't be able to move until the sun rises tomorrow morning. But you will lay in that fetal position knowing that you are a true American hero. You did it. You are an inspiration to us all.