'Harry Potter' With Hermione As the Main Character Would Solve a Lot of Important Puzzles

As someone who's read and seen each Harry Potter a dozen times, I'm not ashamed to admit I still have a lot of unanswered questions about my favorite wizards' lives. Why did Harry name his son after Snape, not Lupin? What're the point of putting wizards on trial when you could just give them Veritaserum? And what, for Dumbledore's sake, was the deal with Hermione? I'm not talking about where she got her study skills or why she crushed on Krum (he's an athlete, I get it), but why was so little known about her life, both at school and back at home? Thankfully, Buzzfeed seemed to find this just as frustrating, as they imagined Harry Potter as if Hermione was its main character, clearing up some mysteries and proving, once and for all, that those boys would be dead — or worse, expelled — without their lady best friend by their side.

Yet while the post is certainly thorough ("She wondered if in an alternate universe, there was a Hogwarts School full of children who didn’t have to worry about The Patriarchy"), it still leaves some major questions about Hermione's life unresolved. Such as: 

What Were Her Parents Names?

Look, I get that a chapter called "Hermione: Life in Suburbia" probably wouldn't have made it past the editors. But would it really have been so hard for J.K. Rowling to include a few details about Hermione's parents, or at the very least, their names?! Only knowing them as Mr. and Mrs. Granger seems a bit ridiculous when you realize we know the full names and titles of over two dozen extended members of the Weasley family. Or at least, some of us do.

Why Were They So Okay With Her Never Coming Home?

I don't think Mr. and Mrs. Granger knew what they were getting themselves into when they shipped Hermione off to Hogwarts, because that girl never came home from school. Or, on the rare occasions she did leave during a holiday break, she'd spend most of it hanging out at the Burrow, not that she ever invited her parents to join her. It was pretty rude of Hermione, but look, she was a kid; there's no excuse for her parents' lack of reaction, and sorry, J.K. Rowling, but "slight disappointment" doesn't count. Wouldn't you think they'd be a little more upset about barely seeing their preteen daughter, who's away at boarding school, during the precious little time she had on breaks? Erasing their memories seems a lot less devastating when you realize how infrequently she featured within them.

Who Were Her Roommates?

There are five people per dorm at Hogwarts. For the Gryffindor boys, that meant Harry, Ron, Seamus, Dean, and Neville. For the Gryffindor girls, that meant Hermione, Lavender, Parvati and... who? We never learn the identities of the other two roommates, which seems pretty strange considering how small a school Hogwarts apparently is.

What Happened to Crookshanks?

Like Hedwig and Scabbers (well, before book three), Crookshanks was a valued member of the Hogwarts animal family. Yet in the seventh book, when Hermione, Harry and Ron go off in search of Horcruxes, it's unknown what happens to the once-beloved cat. Did he go with them? Did he stay with the Weasleys? Did he die?! J.K. Rowling, we need some answers. But the most important question is...

What Hair Serum Did She Use, and Where Can We Find It?

What Muggle girls wouldn't give to find a hair product that works half as well as Hermione's did on the night of the Yule Ball. In the book, it's said that she used something called Sleekeazy's Hair Potion, but unfortunately, no non-magic equivalent is known. If Bertie Botts Every Flavored Beans can be a staple at the candy counter, then I don't think it's too much of a stretch to get Sleekeazy's in CVS.

Images: Warner Bros.; Tumblr (5)

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