Tom's 'Vanderpump' Miami Hookup Is Not Crazy

Watching Vanderpump Rules to get insight on the restaurant business is like saying you read Playboy for the articles: it’s feasible, but you’d be a liar. We all watch Vanderpump Rules for — what else — the relationship drama! With only two episodes to go until the finale, Season 3 of Vanderpump has reached a fever pitch: This week’s episode finds Kristen Doute bringing Annemarie Kunkel to town. Who’s that, you ask? Annemarie is the woman Kristen has been beating a dead horse with all season (and possibly in past lives, since she’s so devoted to this cause) to prove that her ex-boyfriend, Tom Sandoval, cheated on his current girlfriend, Ariana Madix, Allegedly, Sandoval and Kunkel got. it. on. on a Miami trip that Sandoval took with his pals Jax Taylor (we’ll get to him later) and Tom Schwartz. Got that? I guess if Doute can’t have Tom, ain’t nobody can have Tom.

Of course, Tom and the producers are going with the “ladies be crazy” theme, with Sandoval practicing Bill Clinton levels of denial (and I’m not sure he knows the definition of “is,” either). But what if Miami Girl is telling the truth? Kristen is a small plastic toy short of a Happy Meal, and her solitary quest to drive Ariana and Tom apart has turned her into a literal monster. I would hide my rabbits, dogs, and assorted family members lest she put them in a pot and boil them. Annemarie, on the other hand, seems to have no ulterior motives. Instead of putting all of our viewing eggs in the Tom basket, this is why we should give Annemarie's story another chance:

Tom Has Cheated Before

If you think that Kristen and Jax sleeping together (aka Tom's girlfriend and his best friend, respectively — ouch) excuses Tom from his bad decisions, you are wrong. There have been rumors swirling about homeboy’s cheating before Annemarie came into the picture. Tom got with Ariana before fully breaking up with Kristen, and then, according to In Touch, allegedly went back to Kristen over a weekend in New York City. There was also a girl Tom hooked up with Las Vegas multiple times, over multiple days. Seems like Tom wants to have his cake and eat it, too. Actually, he wants all the cakes, all of the time. Stick to one dessert, Tom.

He’s Best Friends with Jax

Jax is an easy villain on Vanderpump, but, heck, I’ll play along. He is a 36-year-old bartender/model with a penchant for partying, 24-year-old blondes, and banging anything that moves. He loves Vegas and quick trysts in the SUR bathroom. He also cheats on his girlfriends and then makes his best buddies (Toms Sandoval and Schwartz) lie for him. Oh, and Jax had sex with his best friend’s girlfriend and somehow walked away with everyone else apologizing to him. If you lie down with dogs (especially ones with “medically necessary” nose jobs), you’re going to get fleas.

What’s The Point of Lying?

In all honesty, Annemarie seems like a regular girl who went to Miami to party for a weekend. A quick search through Google turns up her social media networks that look just like mine, namely an Instagram full of selfies and deli meats. If there were mention of Annemarie as an “aspiring singer” (cough, cough, Scheana) or record of her being on other reality shows (like Stassi, who was on Queen Bees and The Amazing Race: Family Edition), it could be argued that Annemarie is fame-hungry, ready to make a story out of anything. But, as Lisa Vanderpump notes in the promo for this week’s episode, why bother to come all the way out to California if you have nothing to say?

Though we may never know who is telling the truth here, we as viewers should step away from the oft-used trope of “oh, that girl is just crazy” and from the tendency to have trouble believing the woman in a he-said-she-said sexual conundrum and consider the facts. After all, the common denominator in all of this fuss is just one person: Tom Sandoval.

(He also shaves his forehead. What's up with that?)

Images: bricesander/Tumblr (3); giphy