What Would A 'Full House' Episode Be About Today?

Your nostalgic heart is about to be full-to-burst right now: this weekend the Full House cast reunited. That is, the Tanners and company got back together for creator's Jeff Franklin's birthday, sans Olsen Twins, of course. Allegedly, they sang "Everywhere You Look," and Lori Loughlin Instagrammed the entire thing in the efforts to make us feel serious FOMO. And it worked: more than ever, we wish to return to the Tanner household. Maybe that's just not wishful thinking.

After the great Full House sequel hoax of 2013, we seem further and further away from the wholesome family sitcom of the '80s and '90s, a simpler time when cruel TV hoaxes didn't exist. But what can you do? While Full House was the angel food cake of sitcoms, the weird truth is that our palate has certainly changed since it went off the air. We curl up with Walter White and lock ourselves in with the felons of Orange is the New Black. In a world where saccharine TV shows are scarce and likable characters rare, how would an episode of Full House be done over 20 years later?

I'm good at making educated guesses, so for your consideration, here are four episodes that will make you really glad Full House isn't still airing today.

Jesse Brings Back the Band

Becky long divorced Uncle Jesse for never fully giving up that dream of rock stardom, a trait that grew more and more unattractive as he got deeper into middle age. While living in a studio apartment in San Diego with his girlfriend Trixie (or Bubbles; Trixie may have been the last one), he gets an out-of-the-blue call from Becky. She announces Nicky and Alex have decided to go to grad school, and he's paying for it. It's time for him to step up as a father after dodging those child support bills for five dark years during the mid-2000's. Will Jesse be able to raise $20,000 in time for that first payment?

The Tanner crew starts sending out Facebook invites to Jesse's fundraising show, featuring his new band, Jesse and the Dead Beats. Things go terribly wrong when Stephanie's left in charge of the h'or d'eveores; she accidentally switches the cheese cubes with her Vegan cheese substitute, getting the Dead Beats sick with food poisoning.

But not so fast! At the last minute, Stephanie's able to re-assemble the remaining Beach Boys, and they reunite with Jesse to play "Kokomo." It's a disaster; Jesse, having eaten a "good luck cheese cube" from Stephanie prior to getting on stage, throws up mid-performance. The video goes viral, though, and from that (and the auto-tuned "Kokomo Vomit Remix" ) the gang is able to raise enough money for the twins' grad school.

It's important to mention that his hair is still flawless throughout.

Uncle Joey Bombs at The Roast of Justin Bieber

He thinks it'll be his big break, but he does horribly, making The Situation look like a comic genius. He later gets into a fist fight with Steve-O on the red carpet, and it trends hard over the next few days. As Joey copes with his new infamous reputation, he turns to hookers and eight balls, as one does in times of stress.

It'll take a Danny heart-to-heart (cue heart-to-heart music) to break him out of this depression (sad, gentle piano clinking) and remind him that he's always (violins lightly chime in) brought a smile to their faces. Joey, inspired, ends up leveraging his notoriety into a Netflix stand-up special.

Nobody watches it.

Kimmy Finds Fame and Fortune

Kimmy Gibbler always grated the nerves of any non-DJ member of the Tanner family. She was those last grains of sand in your asscrack after an otherwise pleasant trip to the beach: unavoidable and hard to scrub out. Obviously, no other occupation would suit her better than that of a reality TV star.

After successful stints on the Real Housewives of San Francisco, followed by The Biggest Loser (after gaining and losing 150 pounds of her divorce weight), Kimmy snags a gig on Dancing with the Stars where she meets fellow nerve-grator and Saved by the Bell alum Dustin Diamond. Dustin and Kimmy have a whirlwind courtship that eventually leads to their own MTV show, Diamond in the Rough (Kimmy is "the rough" part of that title. Ewwww.) The show lasts three seasons, longer than their marriage, and ultimately spawns five spin-offs, including Kimmy and DJ Do Las Vegas, and Kimmy and Comet Take Philadelphia.

All this happens in 22 minutes.

Michelle Has an Intervention

Played glaringly by both Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, Michelle has been spending the last few years partying hard, and now, at 28, it's catching up to her. The episode gets weird when Michelle wakes up from a mid-conversation nap and shouts, "I'M A MULTI MILLIONAIRE" and even weirder when Michelle knocks into Michelle and spills a Venti Starbucks on her... self. Um. It's a Very Special Episode, to say the least.

But there's nary a dry eye in the studio audience when Danny begs her to get help and she whispers a crackly, "You got it, dude." Freezeframe on a group hug. Jeff Franklin Productions.

Images: ABC, Giphy (4)