What's With the 'Fifty Shades' Bear's Handcuffs?

Say you're putting together a gift basket to give to your Valentine on the 14th day of February. And not just any gift basket, mind you, but a Fifty Shades of Grey gift basket. You've already procured a bottle of Fifty Shades red wine, a few lacquers from OPI's Fifty Shades polish line, a mask charm necklace, and tickets to the 8 p.m. showing of the movie at your local cinema. But you need a centerpiece! Something that'll really wow the recipient! Well, don't you fret— Vermont Teddy Bear Company has your back: A Christian Grey teddy bear now exists. A Christian. Grey. Teddy. Bear. If a teddy bear inspired by a BDSM-loving book character is wrong, I don't want to be right!

Here's the product description from the Vermont Teddy Bear Company's online store:

If you want to dominate Valentine’s Day, skip the roses and send the limited-edition Fifty Shades of Grey Bear. Inspired by the best-selling book, the adult gift is specially designed for fans obsessed with Grey, biting their lips with anticipation over the movie. He features smoldering gray eyes, a suit and silk tie, mask – even mini handcuffs. Handmade in Vermont, USA using the silkiest fur we can get our paws on; smooth, faux-suede details and 100% recycled stuffing. Guaranteed for life.

Cool bears, er, beans. While this product description does provide a lot of crucial information about the teddy bear ("adult gift," "smoldering gray eyes," et cetera), I still have a few questions:

  • Do you have to sign a contract before bringing the Christian Grey Bear into your home?
  • Are you allowed to look at the Christian Grey Bear's "smoldering gray eyes"?
  • Are you supposed to call the Christian Grey Bear "Mr. Grey Bear"?
  • Is Mr. Grey Bear anti-snacking in between meals (with the exception of fruit)?
  • Will Mr. Grey Bear create a list of which articles of clothing from your wardrobe are acceptable?
  • Does Mr. Grey Bear have a safeword?
  • Did my asking if a teddy bear has a safeword cross a line?
  • Did I take this into weird territory?
  • Were we already in weird territory?
  • Can Mr. Grey Bear actually wear the mask, or is it permanently attached to the CGB's paw?
  • Why are those handcuffs so tiny?
  • Shouldn't those handcuffs be teddy bear wrist size?
  • Who or what are those handcuffs supposed to fit?
  • Does that $89.99 price tag include a ride in a helicopter?

Also? A round of a-paws for that lifetime guarantee. All teddy bears should come with a lifetime guarantee.