50 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' Quotes Most-Highlighted On Kindle, Interpreted By Someone Who Has Never Read The Book — NSFW

A woman takes a copy of the novel 'Fifty Shades of Grey' from a shelf at a book shop in central London on July 19, 2012. It's a literary phenomenon: with nearly 40 million copies sold, 'Fifty Shades of Grey', an erotic romance spiced up with sado-masochism is well on its way to breaking all the records. AFP PHOTO / WILL OLIVER (Photo credit should read WILL OLIVER/AFP/GettyImages)
Source: AFP/AFP/Getty Images

Honesty time: I've never read a single page of the Fifty Shades of Grey series. But, trust me, I'm not clueless! I know it's an international phenomenon made by an author who seemingly came out of nowhere; I know it's about a sexy, rich man who starts having wild sex with someone who works for him. I know that then, a movie started being made about it and the first choice to play the sexy man dropped out, so they hired another sexy man. I know the trailer was released and everyone got all hot and bothered by it. I know it also featured a Hot Topic remix of Beyonce's "Crazy in Love," and I know there are whole Tumblr pages dedicated to people reading it in inappropriate places because the book is essentially erotic lit. See, I know my stuff! So, when I saw the list of the 50 most highlighted sections from the book according to its Kindle statistics, I felt pretty confident I'd understand it. (Yes dear readers, Amazon knows what lines really get your heart pumping.)

Since Fifty Shades of Grey is pretty much everywhere, casting its sexy spell on everything, even if you've never read it you know at least something about it. And now you're about to get some insight into what tickles Fifty Shades fans the most. Again, I've never read the books, so here's my interpretation of what these excerpts mean. They're totally accurate.

1.     "Because I’m fifty shades of f**ked up, Anastasia.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa, no need to curse at a Disney character, bro.

2.     “A man who acquires the ability to take full possession of his own mind may take possession of anything else to which he is justly entitled.”

He doesn't need full possession of his own mind, he's a man, so he's already entitled...AMIRIGHT LADIES?

3.     "’The Flower Duet’ by Delibes, from the opera Lakmé."

 I imagine this is a fancy dinner request made by a fancy man.

4.     "The growth and development of people is the highest calling of leadership."

 Definitely a Scientology lecture.

5.     "‘Villa Lobos,’ an aria from Bachianas Brasileiras."

 Whoever this Christian guy is, he's super pretentious with his music.

6.     "Men aren’t really complicated, Ana, honey. They are very simple, literal creatures. They usually mean what they say. And we spend hours trying to analyze what they’ve said, when really it’s obvious. If I were you, I’d take him literally. That might help.”

 Okay this is actually sound advice.

7.     “It’s called Spem in Alium, a forty-part motet by Thomas Tallis."

 This guy is just using his knowledge of music to get into your pants. 

8.     "’Chopin. Prelude opus twenty-eight, number four. In E minor, if you’re interested,’ he murmurs."

 This is an innuendo, right?

9.     "’He’s … taciturn.’”

 It means reserved. 

10.  “No, Anastasia, it doesn’t. First, I don’t make love. I f**k … hard."

This guy is a real enigma.

11.  "’Oh, f**k the paperwork,’ he growls. He lunges at me, pushing me against the wall of the elevator."

 Oh, sexy business dog. OK.

12.  "My belief is to achieve success in any scheme one has to make oneself master of that scheme, know it inside and out, know every detail. I work hard, very hard to do that. I make decisions based on logic and facts. I have a natural gut instinct that can spot and nurture a good solid idea and good people. The bottom line is it’s always down to good people."

He's selling a pyramid scheme. RUN AWAY!

13.  "Transcription by Bach, but it’s originally an oboe concerto by Alessandro Marcello."

 Who even likes the oboe?

14.  "I agree to the conditions, Angel; because you know best what my punishment ought to be; only—only—don’t make it more than I can bear!"

 It's an actual bear that's the punishment, right?

15.  "It’s from La Traviata. An opera by Verdi."

 I hope he's not saying these things while having sex.

16.  "’I’d like to bite that lip,’ he whispers darkly."

 Oh, I bet sexy man says this in a public place!

17.  "In the back of my mind, my mother’s often-recited warning comes to me: Never trust a man who can dance."

 To be fair, her mother was left by her husband, a traveling professional salsa dancer.

18.  "Alexandre Dumas’s book, La Dame aux Camélias.”

 So everyone who read Fifty Shades just read this too, right? Totally.

19.  "You see, Ana, men think that anything that comes out of a woman’s mouth is a problem to be solved. Not some vague idea that we’d like to kick around and talk about for a while and then forget. Men prefer action.”

Like punching! And Football! And sexy sex times, right?

20.  "Mercurial … It’s hard to keep up. He motions for the waitress and asks for the check. Once he’s paid, he stands and holds out his hand."

Oh, so sexy man is a robot! A sex robot! 

21.  "Why didn’t you tell me there was danger? Why didn’t you warn me? Ladies know what to guard against, because they read novels that tell them of these tricks …"

 So what you're telling me is...Fifty Shades of Grey is a cautionary tale?

22.  "I am crying over the loss of something I never had. How ridiculous. Mourning something that never was—my dashed hopes, my dashed dreams, and my soured expectations."

This is an excerpt about an undelivered pizza.

23.  "Besides, immense power is acquired by assuring yourself in your secret reveries that you were born to control things."

 More Scientology.

24.  "Bollinger Grande Année Rosé 1999, an excellent vintage.”

 Wine, this is wine.

25.  "’Anastasia, I’m not a hearts and flowers kind of man … I don’t do romance. My tastes are very singular. You should steer clear of me.’ He closes his eyes as if in defeat. ‘There’s something about you, though, and I’m finding it impossible to stay away. But I think you’ve figured that out already.’"

 *Points to trouser tent*

26.  "Kings of Leon start singing. Hmm … this I know. ‘Sex on Fire.’"

 Song recognition is a fun add-on to the sex robot.

27.  "’You are mine,’ he whispers. ‘Only mine. Don’t forget it.’"

 Is this when the book takes a sharp left turn?

28.  "’Don’t leave me. You said you wouldn’t leave me, and you begged me not to leave you, in your sleep,’ he murmurs against my lips."

 Hopefully that wasn't on the first sleepover. AWKWAAAAAARRRDDDD.

29.  "’I want you sore, baby,’ he murmurs, and he continues his sweet, leisurely torment, backward, forward. ‘Every time you move tomorrow, I want you to be reminded that I’ve been here. Only me. You are mine.’”
 
Worst. Dirty talk. Ever.

30.  "Anastasia, you should steer clear of me. I’m not the man for you.”

Just like Taylor Swift said! I knew you were trouble when you walked in...

31.  "Tess of the d’Urbervilles. Damn, that woman was in the wrong place at the wrong time in the wrong century."

 Because she was dressed in Colonial garb.

32.  "His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel … or something."

 I'd eat it.

33.  "’Pouilly Fumé okay with you?’ ‘I know nothing about wine, Christian. I’m sure it will be fine.’ My voice is soft and hesitant. My heart is thumping. I want to run. This is seriously rich. Seriously over-the-top Bill Gates–style wealthy. What am I doing here? You know very well what you’re doing here, my subconscious sneers at me. Yes, I want to be in Christian Grey’s bed."

 Because it's made of down feathers and silk, of course.

34.  "It’s about gaining your trust and your respect, so you’ll let me exert my will over you. I will gain a great deal of pleasure, joy even, in your submission. The more you submit, the greater my joy—it’s a very simple equation.”

Thanks for mansplaining that one.

35.  "Thomas Tallis to the Kings of Leon. It depends on my mood. You?"

 Sex Robot is also a mood ring.

36.  "It means I want you to willingly surrender yourself to me, in all things."

 Again, with the slavery!

37.  "Sometimes I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. Perhaps I’ve spent too long in the company of my literary romantic heroes, and consequently my ideals and expectations are far too high. But in reality, nobody’s ever made me feel like that."

 Hang on. HANG ON. This is the actual author giving away why she wrote this  book. I'm right, right?

38.  "Business is all about people, Miss Steele, and I’m very good at judging people. I know how they tick, what makes them flourish, what doesn’t, what inspires them, and how to incentivize them. I employ an exceptional team, and I reward them well.”

 I'm getting an, "I really studied Mein Kampf" vibe here.

39.  "’It’s taking all my self-control not to f**k you on the hood of this car right now, just to show you that you are mine, and if I want to buy you a f**king car, I’ll buy you a f**king car,’ he growls. ‘Now let’s get you inside and naked.’ He plants a swift rough kiss on me."

 I think they are going to have sex inside of the car.

40.  "’The Bach piece that you played the first night I stayed.’ ‘Oh, the Marcello.’"

 She's making him a mixtape.

41.  "Well, if you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday."

 Ewwwwwwwwwwww.

42.  "’What is it about elevators?’ he mutters, more to himself than to me as he strides across the lobby. I struggle to keep up with him because my wits have been thoroughly and royally scattered all over the floor and walls of elevator three in the Heathman Hotel."

 Sex Robot is starting to lose a few wires.

43.  "“Forget about the rules. Forget about all those details for tonight. I want you. I’ve wanted you since you fell into my office, and I know you want me. You wouldn’t be sitting here calmly discussing punishment and hard limits if you didn’t. Please, Ana, spend the night with me.”

 The limit does not exist! Sorry, that was Mean Girls.

44.  "The harder I work the more luck I seem to have. It really is all about having the right people on your team and directing their energies accordingly.”

Corporate Synergy! 

45.  "Pachelbel’s Canon fills the space between us. Oh yes … this is what I need."

 Oh is he SERIOUS with this?

46.  "He’s my very own Christian Grey–flavored popsicle. I suck harder and harder, pushing him deeper and deeper, swirling my tongue around and around. Hmm … I had no idea giving pleasure could be such a turn-on, watching him writhe subtly with carnal longing. My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves."

 Fellatio.

47.  “Stop biting your lip, or I will f**k you in the elevator, and I don’t care who gets in with us.”

 Like in the elevator or in the sex stuff?

48.  "I’m very singular, driven. I like control—of myself and those around me.”

 Type-A, big time.

49.  "My reason vanishes when we’re together—that’s the depth of my feeling for you."

 Story of all of my failed relationships.

50.  “’You are one brave young woman,’ he whispers. ‘I am in awe of you.’”

This is when sexcretary falls in love with Sex Robot.

Fin.

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