How awesome would the Super Bowl be if football was removed from the equation? OK, hear me out. I know that sounds like nonsense, because there's no celebration on Super Bowl Sunday if there's no football game to celebrate. However, for everyone who isn't into football, the game is the thing that's standing in the way of everything else we enjoy about this "holiday."
On the flipside of this kick-off coin, this is a show for die-hard football fans as much as it is for non-football fans. It's unique in that it's popular enough to make a crap-ton of money, which means that network execs and advertisers work hard to make it appealing to everyone. Everyone watching the Super Bowl ends their day a winner, because it's a guarantee that there will be at least one moment that everyone finds entertaining. It's also a fabulous excuse to drink too much and eat too much cheese, so there's that.
So even if you think football is boring and confusing and there's too much stop-and-go and those celebratory player dances are the epitome of extreme ass-hattery, there are plenty of reasons to tune into Super Bowl 2015. Here are nine of them now.
1. Because you can eat all the cheese
The majority of food on the menu today will probably include cheese, and that means you're at a fantastic party.
2. Because you can drink all the booze
People get reaaaalllllyyy drunk on this holiday. So drunk that I have a feeling the Monday after the Super Bowl will become a nationally recognized day off, so that America can nurse its colossal hangover.
3. Because this is the one time it's fun to be the only sober one
If you're not interested in boozing it up, this is a fun occasion to be the only sober person in attendance. Guests will make less sense, but will somehow get more passionate about their POV as the game goes on. It's just as much fun to watch as the commercials.
4. Because you might win some money
OK I know gambling is "illegal," but we all secretly do it at Super Bowl parties, right? If you do and if you win, then hey, you basically just got paid to watch a game you have no interest in.
5. Because... Katy Perry
She is a baller performer and safe enough for the eyes of kiddos, yet unpredictable enough to have Twitter holding its breath, bracing for scandal. I have a feeling this performance will be historic.
6. Because of the commercials
There's a good chance you'll see an even amount of sexist themes and adorable puppies. So there will be lots to rehash on Monday.
7. Because of the TV show that comes on immediately after
One year, they aired the two-part episode of The Office where Dwight faked a fire and Stanley had a heart attack. Every episode they air after the Super Bowl is all kinds of awesome, and this year, it's The Blacklist.
8. Because those SNL skits will make way more sense
You know they'll spoof something about it, so you might as well enter these skits with full knowledge on what exactly they're mocking.
9. Because of the potential for a non-threatening event disaster
Remember when the power went out? How amazing was that? This year, I have my fingers crossed for playback malfunctions, because then I'd get at least an hour of my life back.