14 Things Runners Hate About Running Outside, Because Expandable Leashes Will Kill Us All One Day
There are few things in this world that are universally true. The sky is blue. Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time . And, of course, the treadmill is the worst. There really is no debate on the topic — every single human being, be they runners or non-runners, can agree that hopping on a self-controlled conveyor belt to run in place for 45 minutes is one of the least fulfilling experiences someone can endure, no matter what album is pumps in your headphones during the process. So, when training for a race, or hoping to simply breathe in a dose of fresh air that one rarely gets in this fast-pace world, runners head to the great outdoors to clock their mileage. There's only one problem: Sometimes, running outside is the worst too.
It sounds wonderful — wind cooling your face, natural gravel grounds that restore your long-suffering knees, the sounds of nature accentuating every step — but, very quickly, those benefits tend to be outweighed by some very common, very key pitfalls of trotting in the great outdoors. And, sadly, they're unavoidable for anyone who chooses to step off the treadmill. So what are those pitfalls? Below, just a few of outdoor runners' foils.
Nothing lights up a tough run than the sight of a tiny, adorable dog. Unfortunately, nothing ruins a run quite like running into the leash belonging to a tiny, adorable dog. #DeathToExpandableLeashes
As a general rules (particularly in cities like Chicago and New York City), groups larger than two will refuse to walk on a sidewalk in any formation other than an impenetrable Flying V. Quack... quack... quack... smack.
Uncontrollable, no sense of direction, and seemingly magnetically connected to you, no matter where you are.
Children in Strollers
I dare you to make a sharp blind turn and not run into one.
Children on Scooters
Ah, the Razor Scooter. The hottest runner murder weapon on the market today.
Charming, but deadly. They're the Loki of streets.
Realize you're running faster than usual? As Ace of Base says, don't turn around.
Blinking Walk Lights
You'll haul ass to beat the light... and then have to stop anyway to catch your breath after your record 10-meter dash.
And when you don't beat the light... jog in place, jog in place, jog in place, I look really weird jogging in place...
Take a deep breath and take in that fresh air... or all of last night's trash from that garbage truck passing by you.
If only the world really was flat, in every way. The pain, the pain!
Nothing quite invades a runner's psyche than the words "one hundred percent humidity."
A surefire way to essentially turn one person into three people — two of which are perfectly affixed at knee-bashing level.
As I've previously mentioned, they are the Montagues to our Capulets. Must we so be at odds, when we both have the same goal? (Even if that goal is to stay the hell out of my lane?)
But, all of the distraction, barriers, and pain is worth it, thanks to the best thing to running outside:
No matter how many old trash bags you've inhaled, buckets you've sweat, and knee injuries you've fielded thanks to distracted passers-by, everything feels better the second you see another one of your kind suffering alongside you. Oh, and watch out for that oncoming child.