Guys, stop whatever you're doing and listen to this important thing I'm about to tell you: February 5 is World Nutella Day — only the most important day in your best friend’s life, since Nutella actually is your best friend, and not the girl who holds your hair back after a wrong turn with rum and coke. Truth. (You can thank me later for saving you the embarrassment of not sending a best-wishes text since Facebook only covers human birthday notifications. I accept all things that pair well with Nutella as payment, by the way.)
I’m willing to bet my last emergency family-sized Nutella — which I keep under my bed in case I get the shakes in the middle of the night — that this jar of heavenly hazelnut goodness has been there for you in more fulfilling ways than that girl with whom you've shared a “BFF4EVA” necklace since third grade, and who will probably be the maid of honor in your upcoming wedding.
In fact, for those of you with me on this, I’d like to take a moment to reflect on the day our friendships with this spread began. (Please keep the volume down on the "yums" and the smacking of your lips as if to say you’re better friends than the rest of us or something, because this moment of silence isn’t about you for once, OK? It’s about our girl Nutella. Respect.)
If you’re still not convinced that Nutella truly is your ride-or-die-chick, then read on for the following reasons you are so wrong. And, if you still don’t believe me afterwards, psshh. Girl, bye.
1. No matter where you go or what you do, fun is guaranteed
It's like dropping water on a crumpled straw wrapper at a boring dinner — instant fun! You two hit the hypothetical dance floor doing the same squiggly snake move when you're together, and you are the life of the party anywhere.
2. Nutella is the only one who truly appreciates your smarts
You made a Nutella pie with Pi on top for your nephew's party in math class. Does he appreciate it? No. Does Nutella? DUH-licious. (See! You guys even speak the same hazel-nutty language.)
3. It’s always willing to lend a hand to make work go faster
OK, so there's an ulterior motive for this act of friendship, but what else is going to push you to reach work-life-balance nirvana? Nutella wants you to hurry the hell up so that you can go to happy hour — you know, that magical hour you spend at home in your matching pjs and fuzzy socks going in and out of Netflix and red wine consciousness and shoveling Nutella into your mouth by the ladle. See how much you have in common?
4. You can’t think of a better wing woman
With Nutella by your side, the guy you're making eyes at across the room will turn into delectable Nutella putty in your hands. The only problem is that you may have some issues prying it out of his hands when you take him home. But, that could be fun....
5. Nutella will never judge you... unlike some people (or puppies) in your life
No judgements. Just smudges. Smudges of Nutella on the corners of your mouth. If people stare, Nutella just reminds you that they're probably jealous of you, like that time you walked around with that size medium sticker on your boob.
6. Nutella is down for a jaunt at a moment's notice
Whether it's a macarons shop in Paris, France, or a deep fry in Paris, Texas, Nutella's happy to hop on a plane or SUV whenever you're ready to get away (even if it's only in a session of mindfulness meditation led by your tastebuds).
7. Like you, it's always selfie ready
Lights, camera, filter! Like you, Nutella is always down for a good selfie, and it's consistently posing for provocative Insta-masterpieces. What other friendship photo can evoke such conflicting emotions like pity, confusion, and mouth-watering hunger pangs all at once? #selfiesoulsisters #edibleart #NutellaEllaElla #beauty
8. The reason exercise is even on your mind is because of your motivational gym partner, Nutella
You're workout buds. Think about it. There is no way you'd be as dedicated to the gym if you didn't splurge on a Nutella pie once in a blue, half, crescent, hell a smog-covered moon. And there is no way you could recover from that boyband-themed spin class without a healthy Nutella granola concoction with equally high notes.
Real friendship challenges you, you guys. It flips you upside down at times, and pulls you back down to earth at other times. (Nutella agrees with me on this, and it's only her opinion that matters.) Now, wave that hazelnut flag of scrumptiousness, girl. I'm waving one right back at you. (*Spoons clanking in agreement.*) Wait, did we just have a moment? Did we just create a secret handshake? This is the start of another beautiful Nutella friendship.